Talking About Teen Dating Violence/Abuse…

The rise of teen dating abuse and violence is rising faster than most expect.

One major trend we have seen is the obsessiveness that young couples can have. Here are some ideas to be aware of:

1) Low self-esteem causes different behavior

If teenagers, or anyone has low self-esteem it can cause them to be more desperate for connection or control. Teenagers, developmentally tend to have lower self-esteem as their bodies change. Low self-esteem can also cause couples to be more jealous and needy of each other, which can be a precursor to abuse.

2) Control can be addictive

I talk to teenagers all day long about what they are anxious about. Many of them feel very out of control and this scares them. Teens tend to rarely be in control; rather they are usually being controlled. They are controlled by parents, teachers, principles, counselors, coaches, colleges and bosses. What they can control is another teenager and this can over extension of control can be a form of abuse.

3) Control and monitoring is now easier

It is actually easy to smother someone without even realizing it. We can text, MySpace message, Facebook stalk, call, IM, BBIM, email or ping. I have often written about teens need to constantly be connected and abuse often stems from people needing to be connected to another more frequently. Smothering, which might not be abusive, but is abnormal nonetheless, is so much easier in a digital age.

4) Obsessiveness can go unnoticed

Because everyone is connected all the time, teens might not even realize how obsessed or compulsive they are with the other person. This allows the behavior to continue far longer and at a much higher rate than ever before.

5) Inequality breeds discomfort

This concept is nothing new. I have heard young couples talk about inequality in relationships. The idea of “who has the power” is something that teens today are much more aware of. It is the reason men wait 3 days to call a girl back (need to be the one with the power) and no one wants to say “I love you” first. This kind of thinking, can lead to abuse or unhealthy relationships.

6) Abuse does not only have to be physical

Abuse can be emotional, verbal, psychological or physical. This is an important idea to explain to new couples. Often times, someone in the relationship (see inequality above) feels uncomfortable, but is afraid to say anything because they think it is normal or would not qualify as abuse.

7) Lack of connection means they need more to connect on

The cotton candy friend epidemic is a huge issue because teens are not feeling as connected or intimate with their friends because all of their interaction is so superficial. This can make young people, who are starving for closeness, crave a smothering or obsessive relationship more than previous generations.

Please print out this blogpost and discuss it with your kids or if your child is in a relationship, ask them to gauge their connection—this can be a great way for you to get to know your teens!

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Reading, Writing, Arithmetic And So Much More…

He was my dream boy. Ever since I was six, I had fallen in love with the evil character in an old movie, making my parents watch the DVD almost every day so I could fantasize about my life with this fictional man. I thought he was handsome and mysterious; strong and protective. I didn’t care if this character was evil and treated women poorly – he was so cute! When I entered college, I never expected to meet a guy who resembled my fictional love in any way. But here he was, this amazing picture of perfection, instantly stealing my heart. And of course, I was forced to admire him from afar … in the cafeteria.

When this man asked me out, I immediately said yes, knowing absolutely nothing about him other than the fact that he sat with the same group of friends each evening for dinner (and that there were no girls present). For so long I had waited to meet a man who fulfilled my childhood fantasy, and now I had finally found him.

Our relationship was doomed from the start. I was so mesmerized by his looks and who I wanted him to be, that I was constantly forced to ignore who he actually was. I never stood up for myself in the relationship when something bothered me; instead, I would shrug it off and pretend it never happened, afraid that if I confronted him that he would break up with me. He enjoyed getting drunk, and (as I would eventually discover) could be considered an alcoholic. Every time we argued, he would send me dozens of text messages and leave me rude voicemails, telling me to “answer [my] damn phone.” One time he sent me thirty text messages, each one repeating the same word: blah (this of course occurred after I kicked him out of my dorm room for passing out and peeing twice in my bed from being so drunk).

Every time something bad happened in the relationship, it was my fault. He would cancel plans on me last minute to hang out with his friends and then be mad at me for being upset. He would say “fuck you” to me during a date when I asked him not to drink. He would apologize and then get angry, screaming at me and telling me I was useless. I thought all of this was normal because I had never been in a healthy relationship before. If only I had known the warning signs, then I could have ended the relationship before I was physically assaulted.

Like so many young girls, I was not educated on the characteristics of healthy relationships. I thought it was normal for a guy to text me fifty times in a row and order me to answer my phone every time he called. My previous relationship had been verbally abusive as well – how was I to know what a normal, healthy relationship consisted of? February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, and I want all females to know that it is never okay for someone to treat you like this. You do not deserve to be controlled or have someone continuously put you down. I thought life would be worse off without my dream man; but now that the relationship has ended, I am a much happier and lively person. No one deserves abuse. You are worth so much more than that, and you deserve to be treasured by a truly honorable man.

Teen dating violence comes in many forms. It can be verbal or physical. You don’t have to be physically touched to be assaulted. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, females ages 16 to 24 are more vulnerable to violence from intimate partners than any other age group. Although many cases of dating violence remain unreported, approximately 1 in 5 female high school students have reported being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner, according to a study by Jay Silverman conducted in 2001.

What astonishes me is that, according to a study by the Family Violence Prevention Fund, 81% of parents do not believe teen dating violence is an issue. Eighty-one percent! And 54% of parents have not spoken to their children about dating violence. This is outrageous. Over half of reported rapes occur among teenagers. As a parent, how can you not talk to your children about dating violence? This is such an important issue and should not be understated. If parents won’t educate their children about abuse and dating violence, then who will? It took the school systems so long to even require sex education … who knows how long it will be until safety education is mandated. We all think it will never happen to us … until it does. And when it does, we are forced to deal with the emotional (and physical) consequences of what has happened. Wouldn’t you want to invest in your children’s future by giving them the necessary tools to understand abuse and protect themselves? I encourage all individuals to learn the facts about the prevalence of abuse. This document, compiled by the National Teen Dating Violence Prevention Initiative highlights some of the most astonishing facts. Please, read this if you do not believe dating violence is an issue or occurs:

http://www.abanet.org/unmet/teendating/facts.pdf

Education isn’t just about math, English, and science. Education encompasses life skills as well. Safety prevention, awareness, and self-defense are all life skills that every young girl should possess. For more information on training and outreach, please visit www.projectsafegirls.com.

Bethany

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month!

Many may or not be aware that today, February 1, 2010 kicks off Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.

Every day should be recognized as personal safety awareness but this month we will streamline and focus on our young people.

Did you know that 1 in 5 teens in a serious relationship reports having been hit, slapped or pushed by a partner? Not only can abuse be physical but it can be sexual, verbal, emotional and stalking. And, it can even be digital abuse. To make matters worse, dating abuse has also been linked to other serious issues, like drug use, teen pregnancy and suicide.

What's the bottom-line? Teens have the right to be educated about safe and healthy relationships, free from abuse. And, we are going to be shouting from the rooftops all month long and ask that you assist us.

We want to reach as many teens as humanly possible every single day. We need to get this information out to students, teachers, parents, administrators and anyone else that wants to get involved. We will raise awareness nationwide and direct youth to Project Safe Girls as well as other agencies and places that they can get help. We are asking for your help - we need as many voices to be heard.

Please invite your friends, family members, parents, associates and peers to join us as we extend our hand to our young people. Our young people must begin to learn extremely important "life skills" that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives. Who wouldn't want this vital information and training for themselves, their daughter, sister, any family member or friend?

From the comforts of your home Bethany, Jake (PSG Lead Personal Defense Readiness Instructor) and Anny Jacoby will be joining US Privacy Associates - Red Action Package, created by Law Enforcement Officers on BlogTalkRadio on Sunday, February 7th, 12NOON EST; http://bit.ly/5gJVDZ as we introduce Project Safe Girls and discuss personal safety.

Take care and STAY SAFE!