NC NEWS ALERT: NC Lawmakers Voted and PASSED To Close Sex Offender Loophole

IN  A TAD BIT OVER A MONTH SINCE UNCOVERED (MAY 27TH) – NC Lawmakers JUMPED on this major threat/issue and rectified it immediately!  Thank you!

RALEIGH (WTVD) — The North Carolina Legislature has passed a bill to close a loophole in North Carolina’s sex offender registry law that was exposed by the ABC11 I-Team.

Last month, ABC11 Eyewitness News discovered sex offenders living in North Carolina, but not registered in North Carolina –32 of them in Wake, Durham and Cumberland counties alone.

The loophole allowed offenders convicted or released from prison before 1996 –who moved to North Carolina before December of 2006– to not register.

After the I-Team exposed the loophole, Representative Tim Moore (R-Cleveland County) promised to help close it.

Representative Moore introduced the bill in the Legislature that would fix the legal loophole. House Bill 726 would require sex offender registration for out of state convictions.

“As a parent it terrified me,” Moore said. “Fortunately, with the passage of this law, that loophole is now closed and we can continue to tighten down on these folks.”

The bill is now on its way to Governor Bev Perdue’s desk for her signature.

It’ll become law on Oct.1 and sex offenders will be required to register on that date.

Respectfully submitted from  WTVD-TV/DT

Thank you to the RALEIGH (WTVD), ABC11 I-Team Investigative Reporters  and Representative Moore for all that you have done in your work to make NC more safe.  Residents will now at least have a fighting chance in protecting themselves and their children from predators.  Keep up the great work.

NC Lawmaker Works To Close Sex Offender Loophole…

RALEIGH (WTVD) — After the I-Team of ABC11 exposed a loophole in North Carolina’s sex offender registry law, Representative Tim Moore (R-Cleveland County) promised to help close it.

Our investigation revealed sex offenders convicted of things like rape and sexually abusing children are living in North Carolina, but they don’t appear on the state’s sex offender registry.

Triangle resident Reem Baloch contacted the I-Team after discovering the father of her child was convicted of a sex offense but doesn’t appear on the state registry. Instead, she found him in the national database.

The I-Team then discovered there are 32 sex offenders in our three largest counties – Wake, Durham and Cumberland – who appear on the national registry, but not on the North Carolina registry.

Under state law, sex offenders who were convicted or released from prison before 1996 – and moved to North Carolina before December of 2006 – do not need to register in North Carolina.

Representative Moore has now introduced a bill in the Legislature that would fix the legal loophole. House Bill 726 would require sex offender registration for out of state convictions.
“We need to close that loophole and ensure those folks are required to register,” said Moore.

Respectfully submitted from  WTVD-TV/DT, Steve Daniels.

Throw HER a Personal Safety Life Vest…

I was a student with the immediate understanding of the S.P.E.A.R. system prior to becoming a P.D.R. certified instructor with Blauer Tactical Systems. I believed as a student and firmly believe as an instructor that the S.P.E.A.R. system is by far the most realistic and automatic personal safety/self-defense system to learn. Personal safety/self-defense is NOT martial arts or a sport – it is entirely about protecting and defending yourself mentally, emotionally, spiritually and ultimately physically realistically.

An excerpt from Tony Blauer:
RESEARCH
The core of P.D.R.™ (Personal Defense Readiness) is based on the S.P.E.A.R. SYSTEM™ (Spontaneous Protection Enabling Accelerated Response) which is the first genetically & behaviorally inspired self-defense course of it’s kind. It is the only self-defense method that fully integrates the body’s reflexive responses and instinctive survival mechanisms making the S.P.E.A.R. SYSTEM the easiest, most natural way to protect yourself. Our program also includes unique and patented learning models but most importantly, we have pioneered research on how to manage and overcome fear.

Strategically & tactically speaking, our courses are based on how real confrontations actually occur! We have been leading the scenario/behavioral approach to training for over 20 years. Our curriculum is based on a ‘3-Dimensional’ theory that creates confidence on emotional, psychological and physical levels.

OUR TEACHING DOCTRINE
We only teach realistic self-defense skills that are street applicable. Students are exposed to aggressive as well as defensive role-playing to simulate encounters and to prepare them to react ethically as well as decisively to real-life aggression. Our curriculum covers verbal defusing tactics, choice speech principles and a host of other behaviorally researched strategies.

OTHER BENEFITS
Training in our system engenders personal evolution: Our breakthrough research on fear management is the foundation of our program and understanding and directing fear is the key to overcoming any obstacle in life. We’ve had many individuals participate in the program and experience transcendent applications in their professional life and in intra-personal relationships.

Our system fosters respect for yourself and others by developing virtues like self-discipline, humility, assertiveness and character. Since our program is so focused around the managing of one’s fears, it directly works the ‘esteem’ and ‘ego’ centers of anyone sincerely studying the system, ultimately leading to greater self-knowledge and personal evolution.

Training events are now being scheduled for Fall 2010, email me for your Organizer packet; give yourself, family, friends – the gift of life.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Anny

Eve Carson Murder Suspect Pleads Guilty, Dodges Federal Death Penalty…

HILLSBOROUGH, N.C. — One of two men charged in the slaying of University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill student body president Eve Carson pleaded guilty Monday to first-degree murder, avoiding a possible death sentence for his role in the March 2008 crime.

Superior Court Judge Allen Baddour sentenced Demario James Atwater to life in prison without the possibility of parole. Last month, Atwater also avoided the death penalty by pleading guilty to five federal charges in the case, including carjacking resulting in death and kidnapping, in exchange for a life sentence without parole.

Under the agreement with the state, Atwater will serve his sentence in federal custody.

“Mr. Atwater, what you have admitted to doing was senseless, as it’s been said by two attorneys before me,” Baddour said. “It was wrong. It can have no place in our free society.”

Atwater also pleaded guilty to robbery with a dangerous weapon, first-degree kidnapping and possession of a firearm by a felon. Charges of felonious larceny, possession of a weapon of mass destruction and possession of stolen goods were dismissed.

Baddour sentenced Atwater to 275 to 349 months on the remaining charges, to be served concurrently with the life sentence.

Carson’s mother, father and brother, from Athens, Ga., were present for the hearing and offered a statement, read by Raleigh attorney Wade Smith.

“We won’t be talking to the court about how our lives are diminished without Eve. The effects of her death are both obvious and personal. We choose not to confront Demario Atwater. The selfishness of taking another’s life is incomprehensible, and this coward is unaddressable,” Smith read.

The family continued, saying the life sentence “is consistent with the wishes of our family and honors Eve’s love of life and all people.”

A representative for UNC-Chapel Hill said the university would not comment on Atwater’s plea.

“There’s been so much made that Eve was the president of the student body at UNC, and that was a great accomplishment, and she had done many great things,” Orange County District Attorney Jim Woodall said. “But I think she was – she was a sister, she was a daughter – and to me, that’s probably more important than anything.”

“I just hope, by what we’re doing today, we can help the family. We can give them some sense of closure as it relates to this defendant,” he continued. “I wish we could do more. We can’t.”

Atwater had nothing to say, but his attorney, Jonathan Broun, extended sympathy to the Carson family.

“We knew that allowing a sentence that, while harsh and severe as it should be, will allow him to live. We know they are doing that, not as a favor to Mr. Atwater, but because of the love that they feel for Eve Carson, and we appreciate it.”

New details revealed

Police found Carson’s body in the early morning of March 5, 2008, in a neighborhood several blocks from the UNC campus while responding to reports of gunshots.

An autopsy found she was shot four times with a 25-caliber handgun and once – the fifth and fatal shot – with a sawed-off Harrington & Richardson 12-gauge shotgun.

“She had placed her (right) hand up to shield her head, whenever the shotgun was fired,” Woodall said, outlining the facts of the case. “The medical examiner believed that she would have survived for some period of time, as to the gunshot wounds from the 25-caliber handgun.”

Atwater and his alleged accomplice, Laurence Alvin Lovette Jr., went to Carson’s home, abducted her and took her in her blue Toyota Highlander to withdraw $1,400 from ATM machines before killing her, Woodall said.

“All the other evidence tends to support that Eve Carson was – they confronted and took her from her home – if not actually inside her home, just outside her home,” Woodall said.

Atwater later admitted to his girlfriend at the time, Shanita Love, what had happened, and he told about a dozen other people parts of what happened that night, Woodall said.

The crime was random, Atwater admitted, and he and Lovette, who is still awaiting trial, had been in Chapel Hill looking for people to rob.

What investigators were never able to determine was where Atwater and his alleged accomplice kidnapped Carson. There were a couple of different stories, he told, about how she was abducted, Woodall said.

“He told (Love) that they had gone into a sorority house through an open door and got Ms. Carson,” he said.

“There was never any evidence discovered, other than this statement, that anyone went into the house,” Woodall continued.

Other evidence also put Atwater and Lovette in Chapel Hill and near Carson’s home that morning.

Around 3:30 a.m., Woodall said, a woman reported seeing “two suspicious black males” in the area of Rosemary Street near the house where Carson lived on Friendly Lane.

Video footage showed the men, identified as Atwater and Lovette, walking and, a few minutes later, driving by in Carson’s SUV.

Lovette also used a cell phone that could be traced to Franklin Street, about a mile from Carson’s home, at 3:02 a.m., Woodall said.

After Atwater’s arrest, police also found Carson’s iPod in his truck and shotgun shells consistent with the murder weapon in his home.

DNA evidence in Carson’s SUV also linked Atwater to the crime, Woodall said.

“That is some of the evidence in this case,” he said. “This is a case where there is literally a mountain of evidence, and it seems clear that the defendant was the one who fired the shotgun on this occasion.”

Respectfully submitted via WRAL.com

Anti-Human Trafficking Strategic Tip: Go After the Landlords and Property Owners!

Anti-Human Trafficking Strategic Tip: Go After the Landlords and Property Owners!
by Bradley Myles
The Polaris Project

As many people in the anti-trafficking field know, commercial-front “massage parlors” throughout the United States can sometimes be a cover for illegal prostitution activity and also for human trafficking. These places have one reason of staying in business, the profits, and the profits only come from one place, the johns. These businesses cater to johns, and sadly, there are so many people who buy sex that it’s easy to understand why the massage parlors stay open at all costs. There’s just too much money to be made from the johns.

Who are the johns that are driving the existence of these massage parlor brothels? The frequent customer base includes middle to upper class men who visit the brothels for a variety of reasons, including a perceived lack of risk and a belief in the low likelihood of being arrested by law enforcement. Johns who go to these places often call themselves “hobbyists,” implying that they have taken it on as a “hobby” to buy commercial sex from vulnerable women. Appalling. What sort of world do we live in when patriarchy and male entitlement have grown to such a point where certain men take it on as a “hobby” to buy women?

It wouldn’t be accurate or fair to try and make the claim that human trafficking is occurring in every single “massage parlor,” but a significant number of instances where human trafficking has been identified is cause for serious concern.

It’s time to shut down the “massage parlors” for good, but do it right and do it carefully. There’s a way to shut them down by encouraging law enforcement to spend the majority of their time and resources on the people in positions of the most power and privilege, including the johns, the mamasans, the business owners, and especially, the landlords and property owners.

Very rarely does the manager of a massage parlor seek to buy or own the building in which the business operates. The risk of law enforcement raids is too high and it’s not worth the long-term investment. So, they rent. This means that brothels where human trafficking is potentially occurring are renting from legitimate landlords and property owners.

These landlords and property owners would prefer to keep it a secret: that their monthly rent check is coming from a brothel, maybe even in cash. Surely, the landlords have a lot to lose, not to mention their reputation, or business from other tenants. They may even face criminal charges.

So, as our movement grows and becomes more strategic, I think it’s time to put the landlords on notice and let them know that their days of benefiting financially from brothels and human trafficking are coming to an end.

Dating/Intimate Violence On College Campuses Is No Longer Taboo…

Abuse or assaults do not discriminate in any manner what-so-ever.  Abuse or assaults can rear it’s ugly head at any given time.  It is obvious to me and I hope you that our families and young people begin to understand that they need to be educated about dating violence and sexual assault. Ultimately their lives are in their own hands.

Students – you cannot rely on college administrations to protect you. Harsh and cold but true.  Violence on college campuses is no longer taboo.

Females – you are your best bodyguard but you have to be educated in all aspects.  Males – you need to reach out and be educated about how to control jealousy, anger management, behavior modifications and more. And, in the process of being a responsible individual you will hopefully become an Advocate against violence having the ability to stand by a friend who must seek help from either side.

Not being an abuser/assailant, not becoming a victim all starts within long before the opportunity of either exists.  I urge you to be proactive – you are worth it!

Food for thought for college administrators – why not consider putting into place a “required” class that every student entering your college must take to be educated about abuse and assaults?  Every student that is already enrolled must take the class within the next year.   Include physical self-defense training in the requirement for females.  Ultimately the goal is not to ever have to use the physical training but rather to know and have the ability to recognize the warning signs and know safety tips to ward off a potential assault.

Helping our young people to identify the red flags and warning signs that signal that their relationship is at risk are the most important steps.

Red flags. There are certain themes common to abusive dating relationships. They include:

Control. Does your partner: Use anger, intimidation, and jealousy to control your behavior? Try to control how you dress, what you eat, and who you talk to? Constantly check up on you or accuse you of being unfaithful? Make you afraid to disagree because you fear what may happen if you do? Threaten to reveal personal information if you don’t follow orders? Threaten to kill him/herself or someone else if you break up with him/her?

Belittling. Does your partner: Call you mean or vulgar names? Intentionally disrespect or humiliate you in front of others? Constantly criticize you and put you down? Purposely ignore you to punish you for behavior he/she doesn’t like? Insult your friends or your family? Make you feel as if nothing you do is right, or enough?

Isolation. Does your partner: Force you to drop activities you enjoy because he/she is not a part of them? Prevent you from having contact with your friends and family? Forbid you from talking to other guys/girls? Try to control where you go? Do you feel as if you can no longer have your own life?

Physical Abuse. Does your partner: Use threats to harm you to control your behavior? Throw things at you or pull your hair when he/she is angry? Hit, punch, or choke you? Purposely destroy your property to punish you? Force you to drink or do drugs? Force you into sexual behavior you do not want do to do?

The honeymoon phase. After an abusive incident, many abusers enter the honeymoon phase. Often they will apologize profusely, offer gifts, and make extensive promises about changing their behavior. This leads many victims to think that “It won’t happen again,” which makes it less likely that they will end the relationship.

Emotional roller-coaster. Victims of dating violence may experience a wide range of emotional responses to this abuse. They may feel shame and embarrassment, which may preclude their seeking help. They often experience extreme levels of stress, fear, anxiety, and depression. Many believe their abusers when they say that it’s “their fault,” and wind up experiencing self-blame and guilt. Still more lack the self-esteem to realize that they deserve a healthier relationship; they stay because they feel they can’t do any better.

If you are in immediate danger call 911.

If you are a victim of abuse or an assault; or if you know someone who is suffering at the hands of another individual please contact your local domestic violence/sexual assault agencies; call the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1-800-799-SAFE; LoveIsRespect.org, 866-331-9474 or The National Center for Victims of Crime, 800-394-2255. 

You are not alone and YOU ARE WORTHY.

UVA Student: Love’s Killing Isn’t at All Shocking…

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (May 5) — The death of fourth-year University of Virginia student Yeardley Love is unquestionably tragic, but is it really as shocking as the media coverage would have us believe? Looking at the prevalence of dating violence nationwide and specifically at the University of Virginia — where more than 100 cases of dating abuse have occurred in the past decade (and those are just the ones that have been reported) — the answer is an unequivocal “no.”

According to Justice Department figures, every day in the U.S., three women are murdered by their intimate partners. Eighty-five percent of intimate partner violence (IPV) is perpetrated against women — overwhelmingly against women who are between the ages of 20 and 24. While the details of Love’s case make it seem sensational — a varsity lacrosse player at a prestigious school allegedly killed by her lacrosse player ex-boyfriend — statistically, it merely fits the pattern.
Love’s death also exposes an unfortunate reality of college life that’s often obscured or silenced in communities, university and otherwise, nationwide.

At U.Va., it’s not so much that resources and advocacy about the dangers of dating violence don’t exist; it’s that students generally don’t think the statistics apply to them.

“The perception often among students is that such violence exists only for unhappy married couples,” said Claire Kaplan, the director of Sexual and Domestic Violence Services at the University of Virginia Women’s Center (where I’m the website managing editor). “In reality, IPV affects all types of relationships and all backgrounds and personalities of people.”

Kaplan argued that “cultural, social and institutional silence surrounding partner abuse is embedded in every person at U.Va.” It is part of a larger problem: People are culturally conditioned to dismiss violent and jealous acts perpetrated by men as “boys will be boys,” while the predominantly female victims are blamed for putting up with such behavior when things begin to turn sour.

It also doesn’t help that even those paid to ensure the safety of students don’t always seem knowledgeable about the facts surrounding dating violence. Early Monday morning, before news of Love’s death was widely known, a message from U.Va. Chief of Police Mike Gibson was circulated to students, faculty and staff. It did not sit well with fourth-year student Molly Conger. “The advice [he] offered … consisted entirely of strategies to avoid becoming the victim of violence at the hands of a stranger,” she said. “Locking doors and walking home with a friend will do little if that friend is the one who will later beat or rape you.”

In a bitter irony, some U.Va. students were already getting the right message before Love’s slaying. In April, they heard from Liz Seccuro, a 1988 graduate of U.Va. and a sexual assault survivor who travels the country sharing her story. She returned to her alma mater to address a Take Back the Night rally sponsored by the university. Chillingly, her remarks specifically addressed the dangers of intimate partner violence.

“The time has come,” Seccuro said, “to blame people who perpetuate these crimes.” But that won’t happen unless U.Va. and other schools “make a big push to educate students and be more institutionally proactive about interpreting such situations of abuse as what they are.”

Mary Beth Lineberry is a 2009 graduate of the University of Virginia and will receive her master’s degree in English literature from the school later this month.

Line In The Sand…Ways to Reduce Your Risk of Sexual Assault

Avoiding Dangerous Situations
While you can never completely protect yourself from sexual assault, there are some things you can do to help reduce your risk of being assaulted.

• Be aware of your surroundings. Knowing where you are and who is around you may help you to find a way to get out of a bad situation.

• Try to avoid isolated areas. It is more difficult to get help if no one is around.

• Walk with purpose. Even if you don’t know where you are going, act like you do.

• Trust your instincts. If a situation or location feels unsafe or uncomfortable, it probably isn’t the best place to be.

• Try not to load yourself down with packages or bags as this can make you appear more vulnerable. Always have one arm/free.

• Make sure your cell phone is with you and charged and that you have cab money.

• Don’t allow yourself to be isolated with someone you don’t trust or someone you don’t know.

• Avoid putting music headphones in both ears so that you can be more aware of your surroundings, especially if you are walking alone.

If Someone is Pressuring You
If someone is pressuring you to engage in sexual activity, it is important to remember that being in this situation is not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, it is the person who is making you uncomfortable who is to blame. But if you need to get out of an uncomfortable or scary situation here are some things that you can try:

• Trust your instincts. Don’t feel obligated to do anything you don’t want to. “I don’t want to” is always a good enough reason.

• Be true to yourself. Do what feels right to you and what you are comfortable with.

• Have a code word with your friends or family so that if you don’t feel comfortable you can call them and communicate your discomfort without the person you are with knowing. Your friends or family can then come to get you or make up an excuse for you to leave.

• Lie. If you don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings it is better to lie and make up a reason to leave than to stay and be uncomfortable, scared, or worse. Some excuses you could use are: needing to take care of a friend or family member, not feeling well, having somewhere else that you need to be, etc.

• Try to think of an escape route. How would you try to get out of the room? Where are the doors? Windows? Are there people around who might be able to help you? Is there an emergency phone nearby?

• If you and/or the other person have been drinking, you can say that you would rather wait until you both have your full judgment.

In a Social Situation
While you can never completely protect yourself from sexual assault, there are some things you can do to help reduce your risk of being assaulted in social situations.

• When you go to a party, go with a group of friends. Arrive together, check in with each other and leave together.

• Practice safe drinking. Try not to leave any beverages unattended or accept drinks from someone you don’t know or trust.

• Have a buddy system. Don’t be afraid to let a friend know if something is making you uncomfortable or if you are worried about your or your friend’s safety.

• If someone you don’t know or trust asks you to go somewhere alone, let him or her know that you would rather stay with the group.

• Be aware of your surroundings. Knowing where you are and who is around you may help you to find a way out of a bad situation.

What Can Men Do?
While individuals of both genders are perpetrators of sexual assault, the majority of those who commit sexual assaults are men. Even so, it is important to remember that the vast majority of men are not rapists.

There are many things men (and women) can do to help prevent sexual violence.

If you see someone in danger of being assaulted:

* Step in and offer assistance. Ask if the person needs help. NOTE: Before stepping in, make sure to evaluate the risk. If it means putting yourself in danger, call 911 instead.

* Don’t leave. If you remain at the scene and are a witness, the perpetrator is less likely to do anything.

* If you know the perpetrator, tell him or her that you do not approve of what s/he is doing. Ask him or her to leave the potential victim alone.

Be an ally:

* When you go to a party, go with a group of friends. Arrive together, check in with each other frequently and leave together.

* Have a buddy system. Don’t be afraid to let a friend know if you are worried about her/his safety.

* If you see someone who is intoxicated, offer to call him or her a cab.

If someone you know has been assaulted:

* Listen. Be there. Don’t be judgmental.

* Be patient. Remember, it will take your friend some time to deal with the crime.

* Help to empower your friend or family member. Sexual assault is a crime that takes away an individual’s power, it is important not to compound this experience by putting pressure on your friend or family member to do things that he or she is not ready to do yet.

* Encourage your friend to report the rape to law enforcement (call 911 in most areas). If your friend has questions about the criminal justice process, talking with someone on the National Sexual Assault Hotline, 1-800-656-HOPE can help.

* Let your friend know that professional help is available through the National Sexual Assault Hotline, 1-800-656-HOPE and the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline.

* If your friend is willing to seek medical attention or report the assault, offer to accompany them wherever they need to go (hospital, police station, campus security, etc.)

* Encourage him or her to contact one of the hotlines, but realize that only your friend can make the decision to get help.

Changing the culture:

There are certain things in our culture that make sexual assault more possible. By speaking out and educating ourselves and others, we can help to decrease the number of sexual assaults.

* Become knowledgeable about the issue and share your knowledge with others.

* Volunteer for RAINN or your local rape crisis center and help educate your community about preventing sexual violence.

RAINN

In Loving Memory of Ira Yarmolenko...

May 5, 2010 marked the second anniversary of Ira's passing.  Ira was taken from her family, friends and community at the hands of her assailant(s); her victimization was totally random.


Ira graduated from Chapel Hill High School in 2006 and began studying at UNC-Charlotte. There, she was a member of the Russian Club and a photographer and occasional writer for the student newspaper. Ira was was born in Ukraine but grew up in Chapel Hill, a 2006 graduate of Chapel Hill High School and a sophomore at UNC-Charlotte at the time of her untimely death. Everything that Ira ever did was to help people. Ira had planned to transfer to UNC-Chapel Hill to major in public health after finishing the semester at Charlotte.


We celebrate Ira's life with fond, loving memories and forever hold her in our hearts. Wherever you may be please light a candle at 1:00pm in Ira's memory. Please keep all victims that we have lost as well as their families and friends in your thoughts and prayers.

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane,

I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Friends Remembering Ira:


sacrificialPoets — July 31, 2008 — Jake Jacoby performing his dedication piece for Ira at the open mic at Brave New Voices 2008 in D.C.





Words of Ira's friends missing her greatly:

Local poet C.J. Suitt, the director of the youth poetry slam team Sacrificial Poets. In slams, the "sacrificial poet" goes first. He or she warms up the crowd without competing for the night's prize.For the Sacrificial Poets group, the name also refers to Ira Yarmolenko, whom C.J. Suitt got to know on a trip to New York City for the Brave New Voices performance poetry competition. He was a freshman at Pembroke; she was a senior at Chapel Hill High. "She had a real appreciation for family and where she came from," Suitt says. "She would write these poems about being in her grandmother's kitchen. You could just see the images." Later when Yarmolenko enrolled at UNC Charlotte, they would call each other three times a week and challenge one another to write a poem off a word or phrase: "coffee," beautiful" or "fly-smothered trash." One day in May 2008 just before the lunch rush, Suitt's supervisor at the Rizzo Center, where Yarmolenko had also worked, told him she was dead. Two years later, Suitt talks about his friend's "passing away." The phrase seems forced, naive even. But Suitt says calling Yarmolenko's death a murder would dishonor her memory. "All the time that I knew her I never knew her not to be happy and smiling," he says. "A lot of times people need someone to point a finger at - 'That's the bad guy,' " he continues. "I think removing that allows me to focus on the positives and what I can do to keep the positive going. "Can I provide poetry to some kid who otherwise might become a murderer? I think it can be that powerful. I think it can be that powerful because without poetry I don't know where I'd be. And I think what it's done for me it can do for other kids as well." Ira had left a voicemail just a few days before to finalize details for that summer's Brave New Voices trip to Washington, D.C. Suitt hadn't had a chance to call her back. "I just listened to the message over and over," he says. "She just sounded really happy."

I missed her smiled and tell me have a good day. She always smile at me every time I went to Jackson's Java. She was a good caring and hard working person. She is such a beautiful young lady. She is incredible human being and we'll never forget her.I met Ira after hitching around AK for a while and she help me land a job at the village in Denali. Everyone at the lodge loved her, and with good reason. From what I knew of her, she was an amazing person. She was one of the few that showed this lonely hitch hiker friendship, and it means a great deal to me. To Ira's friends and family, I am deeply sorry for your loss. The world seems a larger and less friendly place without Ira in it. She was such an inspiration, always smiling and always having a kind word to say to everyone... Ira, you are loved and missed. I don't know how horrible the last hours of your life were, but I know that you're at peace now, and wouldn't want all of us to be so sad.... so I'll try to smile like you, and I hope that we meet again someday, somewhere.

DO NOT STAND AT MY
GRAVE AND WEEP

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am the song that will never end.
I am the love of family and friend.
I am the child who has come to rest
In the arms of the Father
who knows him best.

When you see the sunset fair,
I am the scented evening air.
I am the joy of a task well done.
I am the glow of the setting sun.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there, I do not sleep.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there, I did not die!

~Author Unknown~

Surviving After Rape

 

How Can You Help When Someone You Know Is Raped?

Rape victims experience a broad range of powerful emotions–a friend or family member can help by allowing her to express these feelings. You can help by listening and validating her fears and feelings; by helping her make changes to her environment that make her feel safer. Rape victims often feel unsure of themselves and their ability to make decisions. Encourage her if she finds it difficult to make decisions by helping her to understand her choices, but let the decisions be her own.

Remind her that the rape was not her fault. Advocate for her when she needs your help facing the medical and legal systems. Let her know that you believe in her, and that you know that she has the strength and courage to heal and survive.

Getting Help: The Key to Being a Rape Survivor–Not a Rape Victim

Many years ago, I had a roommate who told me she had been raped several months before she moved in with me. She trembled and stuttered as she relived her terrifying ordeal. As she described each agonizing detail, her lips began to swell–swelling to the point I wanted to call for help. She declined my offer to find help, saying she would be alright. I hope she is…

Survivors of rape often experience changes in their overall health. Sleep disorders such as insomnia or eating disorders often occur following rape or sexual assault. Some women experience nightmares and flashbacks. Others encounter body aches, headaches, and fatigue.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is the most common disorder seen in victims of rape or sexual assault. Rape victims sometimes experience anxiety, depression, self-injury, and/or suicide attempts, as well as other emotional disorders. They sometimes try to cope with their feelings by indulging in alcohol or drugs.

Women who have been raped, many times, face an enormous uphill emotional battle to regain self-respect, self-esteem, self-assurance, and self-control. It is a battle that can be won with the help of caring and supportive friends, family, counselors, and physicians.

The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) provides a toll-free 24-hour hot line for victims of sexual assault at 1-800-656-HOPE. RAINN also maintains a searchable database of rape crisis centers designed to help you find counseling in your area.

There is hope–but you must take the first step and ask for help.

_Source:

_{Sexual Assault. Womenshealth.gov. http://www.womenshealth.gov/faq/sexual-assault.cfm. Accesed 08/20/2009}

Guilt and Shame – Common Emotions of a Sexual Assault or Rape

Although what happened to them was not their fault, many rape survivors experience both guilt and shame after being sexually assaulted. Here is a place to explore the cause of these emotions and hopefully find our way past them.
Let’s start with the basics and define both guilt and shame (Webster’s College Dictionary):
Guilt: n. 1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, esp. against moral or penal law.
2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
Shame: n. 1. the painful feeling of having done or experienced something dishonorable, improper, foolish, etc.
Many people think of guilt and shame as the same thing (and the dictionary defines them this way). They are, however, extremely different. Rape survivors feel guilty, for the most part, because they feel they did something wrong which caused them to be sexually assaulted (“if I wasn’t wearing that dress…if only I hadn’t drank so much…I shouldn’t have been alone with him,” etc). They feel guilty because it seems like their actions caused the assault. No Iframes
Shame is what prevents many survivors from speaking about what happened to them. Shame is an attack on the survivor as a person (“I am a bad person because this happened to me…”). It is the feeling you get when you are sure that someone will think poorly of you because you were assaulted. Shame is longer lasting, and ultimately more dangerous than guilt.
Nancy Venable Raine, in her book After Silence: Rape and My Journey Back discusses the difference between guilt and shame:
Shame is often confused with guilt, but Lewis notes that whereas shame is “the complete closure of the self-object circle…in guilt, although the self its the subject, the object is external.” Guilt is produced when you evaluate your behavior as failure, but the focus is on what you could have done differently-and what you can do to repair the damage. Guilt is less intense than shame and less negative because the focus is an “action of the self rather than the totality of the self.” When corrective action is impossible, guilt is converted to shame. Rape, by definition, is a situation where corrective action is impossible.
The feeling of shame is so intense for rape victims that many never tell anyone what happened to them. Even in psychotherapeutic settings, victims of rape often avoid talking about what happened to them. Despite more than two decades of change in social attitudes about rape, I still found it difficult not to feel ashamed when others reacted to me with embarrassment or discomfort. And this feeling of shame silenced me. Lewis notes that an intense feeling of shame can actually cause loss of memory. Shame silences because it encloses the entire self.
Rape shame is hard to escape…Attempts to dissipate the same by giving words to the unspeakable seem only to increase it. The shame is mirrored by the listener, sometimes quite obviously by a blush, an averting of the eyes, or a hunching of the shoulders, sometimes by silence. The telling then feels like a confession, an admission of wrongdoing, and the sense of is deepened. Shame is what the rapist, not the victim, should feel. Yet his shame is transferred to the victim, and her shame renders her mute. And her muteness seems to confirm the moral rightness of this transfer. The feeling of shame seems to make being the victim of rape an act of wrongdoing…
Guilt and shame are difficult to escape, and as Nancy Venable Raine notes, you can tell yourself that what happened wasn’t your fault, but sometimes it is really hard to believe it. Here are some suggestions for combating guilt and shame:

• When you are feeling guilty about being sexually assaulted, take a minute to look up the definition in the dictionary. It sounds silly, but sometimes it is all it takes to help you remember that you are not the one who committed the crime. It is the person who assaulted you who should feel guilty about their actions.
• Keep a journal. When you are feeling ashamed or guilty, write down your feelings. Then, write a paragraph about why you are feeling that way (“I feel ashamed because I told my friend what happened to me today, and she seemed embarrassed…), then write a paragraph evaluating the situation (“I should not feel ashamed because I was assaulted and if my friend has a problem with me telling her, it’s a problem with her and not with me…”). Here’s a link to HealthyPlace.com Support Network where you can keep your Journal
• Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling. Sometimes it helps to have another person tell you that what happened was not your fault. Talking about your feelings can help you make sense of them.
• Buy The Courage to Heal Workbook and do the exercises. Many of them will help relieve your feelings of guilt and shame.

Protect Your Daughters from Predators!

Via MomLogic

posted Thursday, April 22, 2010

filed under: tween & teen

Anea Bogue: Let me be very clear. Under no circumstances is it OK for a man to have sex with a woman unless she has given him a resounding, "Yes!"

So when an intoxicated 20-year-old college girl told Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, "No. This is not OK" when he had one of his bodyguards escort her into a bar's back room, that should have been the end of it. Period. It certainly should not have progressed to the alleged rape that it did.

That said, while men like Roethlisberger must be taken to task by the law (and in this case, by the NFL -- who recently suspended the star QB), predatory men who believe it is their right to take what they want from women are not going away. So what can we do as parents to ensure that our daughters have the tools they need to protect themselves in these situations?

If your daughter is already a teen (and perhaps off to college) the quickest tool you can give her is awareness. She must understand that being intoxicated in any environment is going to lower her defenses.

This does not mean you should simply tell her to never drink. She will tune you out before you get to your second sentence, and all will be lost. Instead, explain that context is everything. Just as she wouldn't walk in a dark alley alone or count money out on a busy street, becoming intoxicated in the company of strange men (and just because he's a celebrity doesn't mean you know him!) makes her extremely vulnerable. Everything from poor decision-making to becoming unable to physically defend herself because she's intoxicated increases her chances of being victimized.

Secondly, it must be a rule within her group of friends that they never allow themselves to be separated from one another. The "bathroom buddy system" is essential at parties and bars. It is common practice for a predatory man to deliberately work to separate his target from her friends. Roethlisberger used this technique with the help of his bodyguard ... and succeeded.

The third and most important thing you can do for your daughter, whether she's 9 or 19 (and ideally it begins at her first breath), is to constantly be aware of building her self-esteem. When Roethlisberger announced that night, "All my bitches, take some shots," one young woman replied with, "Who does he think he is?" and then left. For her, the celebrity football player held no value if he was going to speak of her as though she had no value. How different would the whole night have been if the 20-year-old victim and her friends had valued themselves enough to be equally unimpressed by Roethlisberger's antics, rather than enamored by the feeling of being desired by an obnoxious drunk who happens to wear a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey once a week?

Anea Bogue is a girls' self-esteem expert based in Los Angeles who works with tween and teen girls and their mothers. Anea Bogue is an educator, a certified, highly trained life coach, a consultant and a sought-after speaker with more than 20 years of experience. Anea works with her clients individually and in workshop settings on challenges tween and teen girls face, including body image, peer and media pressure, friendship challenges, bullying, academic-performance pressures and the mother-daughter relationship. For more information about Anea, please visit www.aneabogue.com.