Stalking Awareness Month ~ January 2010

STALKING IS A CRIME!

Angela's Nightmare.....by her sister;

Angela was one of those people who sought the good in everyone she met. "Everyone has a little bit of good, if you just look for it. It's up to us to help them display it." "People aren't born mean or grumpy or sad . . . life makes them that way." She felt the same way even after she decided to divorce her husband of one year. He became very possessive when their son was born. No one except Angela, her husband and myself was allowed to take care of the baby or even hold him. From the very first day at the hospital, it was like noon but Nathan knew how to care for an infant. The possessiveness got increasingly worse.

Then Nathan was injured at work and Angela started looking for a job. He started accusing her of having affairs with coworkers, and liking her job more than her family. He began trying to prevent her from visiting family members. For some reason, it was okay to visit me and my kids, but not when we were at Mom's house.

Nathan underwent another personality change when he began taking different medications from several different doctors for his injury. The mixture of drugs made things increasingly worse. He started lashing out in anger, putting holes in the walls with his fists and breaking things around the house. "You're face is next," he'd say. Through it all, Angela always seemed to remember the good she use to see in him.

One day, he tried to stop her from taking the baby to visit family. He grabbed the baby and pulled her arm up behind her back, leaving bruises. That was the last straw for her, and she decided to leave him. Instead, he moved out of their apartment, saying he did not want to disrupt the baby's life. Although, Angela tried to arrange visitation, Nathan kept coming back at all hours of the day and night. He stole her mail and harassed office workers into letting him in the apartment. When they finally refused, he broke in and took the baby's furniture. He said a son should not be raised without his father. Angela could not get help because they were still married. So, we managed to borrow the money for a divorce.

Only, divorcing him did not help. He only got worse. He began stalking her. At first, he just seemed to be everywhere she went. He went to their son's daycare and raised heck. He called her constantly at work. Then he began just sitting outside the babysitter's or daycare. One time I recall he jumped over the fence because another toddler had taken a toy away from HIS son. The daycare asked Angela to find somewhere else to take the baby. They felt the situation was getting dangerous for the other children.

At the new place, her ex called the police and said the babysitter was beating the children so bad they were all full of blood. It may sound funny now, but the kids had just eaten spaghetti and had sauce all over them. When her ex-husband looked in the window at the sitter's house, he jumped to the worst possible conclusion. Maybe by this time the drug mixture was frying him or more likely he is a person who must be in control and will do anything to maintain that control.

Then he started sitting outside her place of employment. He just sat there in the parking lot for hours at a time. One day he'd leave roses on her car seat and the next day he'd call yelling and screaming that she was a "whore-slut-bitch" (and other names I prefer not to put here) and would tell her she was unfit to be a mother. Then he'd call again and ask her to meet him for coffee somewhere so they could talk. We never knew what to expect next.

One evening, before she got off work, he broke into her apartment and fixed her dinner. When she walked in he said, "Hi, Honey! I fixed you dinner." She slammed the door shut and drove straight to Mom's house. The stalking continued. He broke into her apartment several more times just to leave notes that said "You can't get away. I can always get to you." "You will always belong to me."

Angela finally went to court for a Protective Order. What we were to come to realize is that protective orders only protect you from LAW-ABIDING or law-fearing people. As long as he was 200 feet away when the police arrived, he was not in violation of the order. Two hundred feet is not all that far, especially when one has at the very least 5 minutes (police response time) to move that far away. Additionally, his visitation rights with his son continued and overrode the protective order. Her divorce decree also overrode the protective order in requiring her to provide him with a valid phone number and address at all times. Moving was out of the question if she was to abide by the law herself.

In a time span of three months, Angela recorded almost 75 phone calls to 911. There were more but not from her personal phone. At one time while she was staying with my older sister, Angela received a death threat phone call from her ex.

Angela's bosses decided to hire a security officer at work. They put locks on the door going to the interior offices, so only the reception area was accessible to non-employees. Her ex raised hell in that reception area several times, but at least she felt safe behind locked doors... until she got off work.

Angela was finally able to rent an apartment close to work.

Now, her ex-husband started playing mind games with her. He used to remove parts from her car, knowing she would not be able to tell what was wrong. Then he'd show up in the parking lot and offer to "fix" the car. Or taunt her that he'd fix it if only there wasn't that Protective Order keeping him 200 feet away.

This nightmarish hell of an existence went on for 9 months. Then he was caught leaving her apartment while she was at work one day. He had taken a radio from her apartment. She pressed charges against him. However, he was released on bail. Now the phone calls varied between begging and threatening for her to drop the charges. But she refused. Perhaps this is what pushed him to stab her 24 times the day before his court hearing. . . perhaps it was more. The only thing I truly know is that I will never see her smile again. She'll never come bouncing in the room, spreading cheer. She'll never sit and reminisce with me again. Her son will never know what a wonderful loving mother he had or what she sacrificed to try to give him a "normal" life.

Stalking is a repetitive pattern of unwanted, harassing or threatening behavior committed by one person against another. Acts include: telephone harassment, being followed, receiving unwanted gifts, and other similar forms of intrusive behavior. All states and the Federal Government have passed anti-stalking legislation. Definitions may vary state-to-state but most define stalking as "the willful, malicious, and repeated following and harassing of another person that threatens his or her safety".

Stalking is about obsession. It may be motivated by an intense affection or an extreme dislike. Stalking is very common. One out of twelve females that YOU know and one out of forty-five men that YOU know have been stalked.

Men commit most stalking and stalking has become one of the most dreaded crimes against women in recent years. Many women know their stalker personally and as a result, are hesitant to believe the situation is potentially dangerous. Being aware of these alarming signals can help you determine if you are being stalked and what you can do about it.

As a stalking victim, one of the most important things for you to remember is you neither wanted this, asked for it, nor do you deserve this.

There are basic steps that can be followed to help ensure your safety, but it does entail changing y our normal day to day routines and your way of life, as you once knew it. You have no choice at this point. The stalker won't change so it's up to you. Is it fair? Hell no, but it's your safety and your life that we're talking about, so you are the one who has to make the change.
First and foremost, have no contact with your stalker.

As a stalking victim, you are frustrated, you are angry, you are in fear for your life. How often have you wanted to scream into the phone after receiving a harassing call or confront the stalker and demand to be left alone? You may want a friend or relative to tell the stalker to stop bothering you. DON'T DO IT. The stalker feeds on your attention and anyone close to you. Your stalker doesn't hear you screaming "leave me alone." If you do this, the stalker knows you're once again paying attention to him/her, whether it's direct contact with you or through a third party. That's what a stalker wants - attention, and that can be dangerous. Only the police should contact or confront the stalker. Keep a Stalker and Incident Behavior Log for reference.

More to discuss and share as we continue to honor Stalking Awareness Month.
Take care and STAY SAFE!