Men Stopping Violence

Men Stopping Violence is a social change organization dedicated to ending men's violence against women.

Men Stopping Violence works locally, nationally, and internationally to dismantle belief systems, social structures, and institutional practices that oppress women and children and dehumanize men themselves. MSV looks to the violence against women's movement to keep the reality of the problem and the vision of the solution before us. MSV believes that all forms of oppression are interconnected. Social justice work in the areas of race, class, gender, age, and sexual orientation are all critical to ending violence against women.

Reliable data including police reports, witness statements, and emergency room reports indicate that men are the predominant aggressors in over 90% of reported battering cases.

But you don't have to hit someone to batter that person.

Many people think battering is defined by how many times a man hits a woman. In fact, many men who complete our 6-month batterers program have never physically struck a woman. What they have done, however, is struck fear in a woman by using a wide range of controlling and abusive behaviors over a sustained period of time.

These behaviors result in her feeling sometimes devastated, often degraded and always hurt. For a more complete spectrum of battering behaviors read the violent and controlling behaviors checklist (see checklist below). You may find it useful to check the behaviors you or a friend have used. It's also instructive to note how often you have used them and how the person, or people, you have used them against have been affected emotionally and physically.

Remember, she may say and do things that upset and challenge you, but she can't make you attack her. The only person who can make you do that is you. The only person who can stop you is you.

Violent and Controlling Behavior Checklist
Physical Violence
____ Slap, punch, grab, kick, choke, push, restrain, pull hair, pinch, bite
____ Rape (use of force, threats to get sex)
____ Use of weapons, throwing things, keeping weapons around which scare her
____ Abuse of furniture, things in the home, pets, destroying her things
____ Intimidation (standing in the doorway during arguments, angry or threatening gestures, use of size to intimidate, standing over her, outshouting, driving recklessly)
____ Uninvited touching
____ Threats (verbal or nonverbal, direct or indirect)
____ Harassment (uninvited visits or calls, following her around, checking up on her, embarrassing her in public, not leaving when asked)
____ Isolation (preventing or making it hard for her to see/talk to friends, relatives, others)
____ Other (please list)

Psychological and Economic Abuse
____ Yelling, swearing, being lewd, raising your voice, using angry expressions or gestures
____ Criticism (name-calling, swearing, mocking, put-downs, ridicule, accusations, blaming, use of trivializing words or gestures)
____ Pressure Tactics (rushing her to make decisions, using guilt/accusations, sulking, threatening to withhold financial support, manipulating children, abusing feelings)
____ Interrupting, changing topics, not listening, not responding, twisting her words, going on and on
____ Economic coercion (withholding money, the car, or other resources; sabotaging her attempts to work)
____ Claiming "the truth," being the authority, defining her behavior, using "logic"
____ Lying, withholding information, infidelity (having sex with others)
____ Using pornography (e.g., magazines, movies, strip shows, home videos, etc.)
____ Withholding help on childcare/housework; not doing your share or following through on your agreements
____ Emotional withholding (not expressing feelings, not giving support, validation, attention, compliments, respect for her feelings, rights, and opinions)
____ Not taking care of yourself (not asking for help or support from friends, abusing drugs or alcohol, being a "people-pleaser")
____ Other forms of manipulation (please list)

(Adapted from EMERGE, Boston, Massachusetts)


If you are a victim of abuse confidential help is at your fingertips, call 1-800-799-SAFE. The National Coaltion Against Domestic Violence is there for you 7 days a week, 24-hours a day.