Why Women "Choose" Dangerous Men

The term "dangerous man" to me is describing any man who causes damage to his partner's emotional, physical, financial, sexual or spiritual health.

The damage that can be inflicted on a female by her partner is not limited to physical or sexual. Women tend to overlook the truth about "dangerous men". They don't understand, beyond the physical violence, what makes a man dangerous. Men are capable of harming in a multitude of ways that we need to recognize. From this definition it gives us a wide base from which to look at men whose present in our lives that has caused us or could cause us an emotional breakdown that could only take months or perhaps years to recover from - or even worse, whose presence may cost us our lives. There are many men who are living so close to the edge of dangerousness that at any time they could become harmful in one or more of the ways mentioned above.

Constantly I hear and I am asked why women pick such men. Is it because women are overcome with loneliness? Is it because of our past habits of choosing poorly? Are we programmed to believe that anyone will do? Do we like the thrill of being involved with a dysfunctional man? Do painful divorces open us up afterward to an increased risk of selecting dangerous men? Does a dysfunctional family upbringing contribute in any way to these choices? Why are we a society of women who date dangerous men? Why aren't crimes of domestic violence against women declining? Since the development of violence-intervention programs and women's services, we have learned a few things about this EPIDEMIC.

All of this raises questions: Have we learned to personally recognize dangerous men and how they enter our lives? Or do we merely look for dangerous men in other women's lives? Do we intimately understand this phenomenon for ourselves, and have we applied the knowledge to making meaningful changes in our lives?

The answer to these questions must be "No". The awareness that dangerous men really do exist appears to be knowledge many women don't apply to their own lives. Yet most of us claim to know something about "bad boyz". We've heard rape-prevention lectures and women's safety information. Unfortunately, we haven't learned emotional nor physical defense strategies.

Universal awareness of the existence of dangerous men has failed to keep women safe. Could this be because the knowledge usually comes to us in the form of watered-down, naive-sounding warnings about "bad men" from our mothers and other elders? Have we talked unsuccessfully in generalization that have failed to help women sense, see and avoid choosing dangerous men when they show up in our lives? Whatever the reasons, the truth is we have not succeeded as families, as a feminist movement, or as a society to help women define and identify in an understandable way, dangerous men. If we had, women would be responding to these men differently.

It would be far easier if we could define one "type" of women who is attracted to dangerous men. Then, all the women who match that description could be identified and educated about dangerous men. But responding to and selecting dangerous men is an epidemic that bypasses any group of stereotypically defined women. All types of women choose dangerous men. Yes, there are some childhood experiences, some family structures and behaviors, some abuse histories, some disorders that increase the possibility that a woman will respond to and date dangerous men. We must understand that all types of women choose and respond to dangerous men. Ultimately, it is up to each woman to become educated in all aspects, know the red flags and warning signs of a potential dangerous situation and heed to their awareness and intuition (the first steps to personal safety).


Take care and STAY SAFE!

Anny Jacoby

A Success Survivor

"Raising female awareness and skills to reduce susceptibility in response to violence."

www.annyjacoby.com

www.realisticfemaleselfdefense.com

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