Anger/Emotional Abuse via Love Is Respect.org

The following Video Diary depicts a common type of abuse teens may experience in relationships – anger/emotional abuse. This is characterized by someone putting you down, making you feel bad about yourself, name calling, playing mind games, humiliation, making you feel guilty or making you think you are crazy.

Natalie’s boyfriend Mike is mean, makes fun of her and calls her names. These are all red flags of an unhealthy relationship. View the video and read our peer advocate advice on addressing this situation after the jump.





Peer Advocate Advice:

Relationships should feel good, and no one deserves a boyfriend or girlfriend who makes them feel bad. It’s a really difficult place to be in when you really like your boyfriend or girlfriend but don’t like the way they treat you.

And it’s hard to know how to support a friend in the same situation, but remember that listening to your friend, believing them and refraining from badmouthing their crush will show you care.

You can tell your friend that they should never be made to feel embarrassed, humiliated, or guilty by their partner. If you see a friend going through this, try mentioning it in a caring way. Let them know in a non-judgmental way that you are worried about them and that they can talk to you about what they are going through.

Natalie’s boyfriend is mean, makes fun of her and calls her names. Those are red flags of an unhealthy relationship.
When a boyfriend or girlfriend embarrasses you, humiliates you, puts you down, or makes you feel guilty all the time, it can be really hurtful and damaging.

There’s no excuse for anyone to use anger or emotional abuse to get what they want, and it’s never your fault if they do.

If you feel you might be in an unhealthy relationship, remember there is no reason to feel any shame. This can happen to anyone. We hear from smart and successful people all the time. Don’t blame yourself – it is not your fault.
You might think that if you just change the way you are that you can fix the relationship – but sometimes no matter what you do, the other person won’t change.

Also, remember you have options. You have the right to be in any relationship or the right to end a relationship. It may not be easy to end an unhealthy relationship so contact us if you want to talk about it.

Another Facebook Fail: Group Lists Reasons For Punching Women in the Face Via Care2

posted by: Ximena R.

Earlier this month, I wrote a post about an extremely offensive Facebook group – “Killing Your Hooker So You Don’t Have to Pay For Her.” I was shocked (as many of you were) that such a group was ever allowed to exist on Facebook and, as it turns out, the offending group’s page was taken down before I even finished writing the post, but this time that’s not the case.

You mean you found another highly offensive, unacceptable, unamusing Facebook group that pokes fun at violence against women?

Yes, unfortunately, but not altogether surprisingly, I did.

“Reasons When It’s Acceptable to Punch a Woman in the Face” is the newest offending group. The group justifies itself by claiming that it’s meant to be taken as “dark humour” similar toFamily Guy, South Park, and Scary Movie.

The group’s creator actually says, “I don’t feel I’m promoting violence nor am I condoning it, it’s just dark humour… it’s a joke.”

Well, let’s take a look at the list and see what’s so funny.

Trigger Warning: Some of the items on this list are extremely offensive and may be upsetting.

1. talking too much

2. disagreeing with anything you say

3. burning your food

4. not washing up

5. being on her period

6. being on her period and still coming to see you

7. talking bout other guys….even her dad

8. taking off her make up

9. leaving the kitchen

10. leaving the bedroom

11. refusing a threesome

12. telling you to stop pushing their head down… when they give you head

13. not knowing the offside rule

14. not knowing the offside rule after being told too many times

15.not allowing you to have sex with their mum/sister

16. killing banter

17. out drinking you

18. making stupid baby noises

19. being on either team Jacob or team Edward

20. refusing anal

21. breathing

22. when your football team looses

23. wanting attention during a cod session

24. asking you to make her a cup of tea

25. thinking their in control of the relationship

26. when ur angry and need something to hit

27. when you wanna try out your new kung fu move

28. wearing clothes indoors

29. asking you to go down on her

30. when they fish for compliments

31. when they make you watch chick flicks

32. expecting to get paid for

33. trying to help make this list (foook u becky)

34. having an opinion

35. crying for no fucking reason

36. weighing more than you do

37. calling you a woman/pussy

38. giving you a stupid nickname

39. forgetting to shave

40. not swallowing

41.having a 4 finger bucket

42. taking more than 20 minutes deciding what to wear

43. being taller than you

44. bitching about people you dont even know

45. looking at you funny

46. complaining that she’s cold…. wear a hoodie bitch

47. being a feminist

48. asking you to finish her off once ur finished..

49. calling the police when you hit her…bitch should learn

50. for being a woman..

51. saying they love you

52. when she is in range

53. When she reads this and wont have sex with you for laughin

54. When she asks to be and admin

55. bitching about facebook groups…. get back in the kitchen

56. when you got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t 1

57. Whenever she talks without being questioned

58. when she sends you a friend request…. i don’t want to be your friend, but you can go make me a sandwich

ONLY REASON TO NOT HIT A WOMAN IN THE FACE…

1. when she’s pregnant…..punch her in the stomach

I’ve read this list a few times and each time I get angrier and angrier. This is not humorous or funny no matter which way you slice it. This list basically calls on women to be mindless sex machines, with perfect bodies, who don’t speak or think but only live to pleasure men.

The creators of this group think what they are doing is OK because it’s only meant as a joke and I know some people – there are currently over 31,000 members – will think it’s “only meant to be funny” but I have to ask where this humor comes from.

The items on this list show a deep disrespect for women and trivialize a problem that is very real. The fact is that many women suffer the heavy hand of abuse from men who don’t respect them and think they deserve to be hit for any number of reasons. Fortunately, most men have the privilege of never knowing this reality. That ignorance doesn’t give them free reign to make fun of those who aren’t so lucky.

I truly don’t understand how this group can be construed as funny or not condoning violence against women as the creators claim. Creating a group that makes fun of women being abused isn’t funny – it’s hurtful, unjust, and frankly, unoriginal.

Making jokes about violence against women is not new. We see it all the time, especially in the very shows, like Family Guy, that the creators claim they are attempting to emulate. We need to be more vocal about opposing this misuse of humor and demanding more from the networks, shows, and websites we support.

Facebook is a huge social networking platform with over 400 million users worldwide as young as 13-years-old. We deserve better from Facebook – much better.

The group’s creators have promised to continue adding items to the list, even asking people to submit their own reasons it’s acceptable to punch a woman in the face so make sure you sign on to Facebook and report them (there is a “report group” link on the left hand side of the screen under links)! It’s about time this group got the boot!

“It appears that just clicking on the link at the bottom left hand corner of the group to “report group” only sends the complaints to the group creators themselves, and not Facebook. To effectively report this group to Facebook, please emailabuse@facebook.com.”

Talking About Teen Dating Violence/Abuse…

The rise of teen dating abuse and violence is rising faster than most expect.

One major trend we have seen is the obsessiveness that young couples can have. Here are some ideas to be aware of:

1) Low self-esteem causes different behavior

If teenagers, or anyone has low self-esteem it can cause them to be more desperate for connection or control. Teenagers, developmentally tend to have lower self-esteem as their bodies change. Low self-esteem can also cause couples to be more jealous and needy of each other, which can be a precursor to abuse.

2) Control can be addictive

I talk to teenagers all day long about what they are anxious about. Many of them feel very out of control and this scares them. Teens tend to rarely be in control; rather they are usually being controlled. They are controlled by parents, teachers, principles, counselors, coaches, colleges and bosses. What they can control is another teenager and this can over extension of control can be a form of abuse.

3) Control and monitoring is now easier

It is actually easy to smother someone without even realizing it. We can text, MySpace message, Facebook stalk, call, IM, BBIM, email or ping. I have often written about teens need to constantly be connected and abuse often stems from people needing to be connected to another more frequently. Smothering, which might not be abusive, but is abnormal nonetheless, is so much easier in a digital age.

4) Obsessiveness can go unnoticed

Because everyone is connected all the time, teens might not even realize how obsessed or compulsive they are with the other person. This allows the behavior to continue far longer and at a much higher rate than ever before.

5) Inequality breeds discomfort

This concept is nothing new. I have heard young couples talk about inequality in relationships. The idea of “who has the power” is something that teens today are much more aware of. It is the reason men wait 3 days to call a girl back (need to be the one with the power) and no one wants to say “I love you” first. This kind of thinking, can lead to abuse or unhealthy relationships.

6) Abuse does not only have to be physical

Abuse can be emotional, verbal, psychological or physical. This is an important idea to explain to new couples. Often times, someone in the relationship (see inequality above) feels uncomfortable, but is afraid to say anything because they think it is normal or would not qualify as abuse.

7) Lack of connection means they need more to connect on

The cotton candy friend epidemic is a huge issue because teens are not feeling as connected or intimate with their friends because all of their interaction is so superficial. This can make young people, who are starving for closeness, crave a smothering or obsessive relationship more than previous generations.

Please print out this blogpost and discuss it with your kids or if your child is in a relationship, ask them to gauge their connection—this can be a great way for you to get to know your teens!

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Warning Signs of Teen Dating Violence...

Warning signs to watch out for teen dating violence include: sudden loss of interest in activities, low grades, changes in appetite, changes in sleep patterns, loss of regular friends and drastic changes in clothing.

Often victims will wear long sleeves, long pants and scarves to hide bruises and marks. If you as a parent suspect that your teen is in an abusive relationship, encourage zero tolerance for inappropriate dating behaviors.

If you suspect that your teen is being violent to their dating partner, talk to them. Let the teen know that love is about respect. Sometimes it is difficult to realize that your child is being mean or violent. Do not allow aggressive behavior in the home. Talk to the teen about emotional abuse and how it is unacceptable in any relationship. You could say something like, “It bothers me when you yell at so-and-so.” Express concern and talk to the teen about appropriate behavior. You may even want to seek professional help for your teen.

Teen dating violence is a problem that parents can help prevent. Talk to teens about the different types of violence. Be alert for warning signs and let the teens know that you care. Most of all, show teens the appropriate way to behave by being respectful and caring towards other people.

Encouraging teens to have healthy relationships before they begin dating is important. Be aware and keep the lines of communication open with teens about their relationships.

Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

To determine whether your teen relationship is abusive, ask her/him to answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that your teen may be in an abusive relationship.

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

Do you:

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
• believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• wonder if you're the one who is crazy?
• feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partner's Belittling Behavior

Does your partner:

• humiliate or yell at you?
• criticize you and put you down?
• treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends and family to see?
• ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• blame you for his/her own abusive behavior?
• see you a property or a sex object, rather than a person?

Your Partner's Violent Behavior or Threats

Does your partner:

• have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
• threaten to commit suicide if you break up with him/her?
• force you to have sex?
• destroy your belongings?

Your Partner's Controlling Behavior

Does your partner:

• act excessively jealous and possessive?
• control where you go and what you do?
• keeps you from seeing your friends or family?
• constantly checking up on you?
• excessive texting or calling you?

If your teen is afraid for her/his safety or has been assaulted by her/his partner please dial 911 or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-787-3224.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Personal Safety Training - Chapel Hill, NC

“LIFE SKILLS”

PROJECT SAFE GIRLS IS ACCEPTING REGISTRATION FOR PERSONAL SAFETY TRAINING FOR FEMALES, AGES 13-23 (in school) on Saturday, February 27th, 2-6pm at Chapel Hill/Carrboro Chamber of Commerce, S. Estes Drive, Chapel Hill, NC. Please call, 919-225-1421 or email, anny@projectsafegirls.com or anny@annyjacoby.com for further information and to register.

No personal safety/self-defense course can guarantee you anything 100% but at least by investing in the education and training you will have a fighting chance. You will learn awareness, learn what the warning signs/red flags are and ultimately how to use your mind, body and spirit to ultimately physically protect and defend yourself in the event of an altercation.

“Life Extension Insurance” How much is your life, your daughter’s or loved one’s life worth? Training and education for the rest of one’s life.

Minimum 10/20 maximum participants. Cost of training is being offered at a 50% discounted rate. Registration and payment deadline is February 22nd, (check, cash, MC & Visa accepted). First come, first serve basis.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Via LoveIsRespect.org

Via LoveIsRespect.org; 2/4/10

As you all know this is the first year that Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention is being honored for a whole month instead of the first week of February as it has been in the past. This is largely thanks to the support and influence of several U.S. Senators as well as Vice President Joe Biden. Senators Mike Crapo (R-ID), Joseph Lieberman(I-CT) and Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI) have been huge supporters of moving the awareness up to a month and we are very grateful for their hard work. We have a video clip of the Senators along with Attorney General Tom Perelli discussing teen dating violence awareness and prevention after the jump, so check it out!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Teens and Tweens

One way to decrease the chances of teens being in an abusive relationship is to encourage kids to love themselves. Show teens respect. Let them know that it is important for other people to respect them as well. If siblings are disrespecting one another, bring attention to the behavior and try to stop it. Encouraging teens to respect family members, friends and others will help them to demand respect in their dating and personal relationships.

As hard as we try to talk to our teens, they will not always feel comfortable telling us when something is wrong. Look up local hotline numbers for teens. Make a list and give it to your child. Also, have a list taped to the refrigerator and the back of the teen’s bathroom door. Let the teen know that the numbers are available if they ever need them. This way, the hotline numbers will be accessible to your teen should they become involved in an abusive relationship. The teen hotline numbers can be a valuable tool in helping teens in a time of crisis.

Victims of teen dating violence often feel as though they deserve the abuse or that they will not be able to find anyone else if they break up with their abusive partner. They may have low self esteem or fail to recognize emotional abuse and think that it is perfectly normal. Remind your teen that they deserve respect in their relationships. It is important to emphasize to teens that they will have several relationships where they think they are in love and have found a special person. Explain to your teen that they are young and that they will have many opportunities to date.

Safety issues are a main concern. Aggression and anger can lead to serious intentional or accidental injuries. If the teen has unexplained bruises or marks, talk to them about what you suspect is going on in their relationship. You do not have to confront them with questions. Just talk to them about healthy dating relationships. This lets the teen know that you are available and concerned without putting the teen on the defensive. If the teen feels that they have to defend their relationship, they are less likely to break up with the violent partner.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Talking With Your Teen About Teen Dating Violence…It’s Never Too Early Or Late

The teen years can be a difficult time for kids and parents. The teen dating scene can be especially challenging and complicated. Keeping communication open with your teen is the best preventative measure for violent teen dating. There are warning signs to look for and ways you can help your teen through this rough period in their life.

The majority of problems in teen dating violence occur against teen girls. As a parent, set an example for your teen. If you are in a violent or abusive relationship, it is tough for teens to realize that violence in dating is not acceptable. Teens and kids learn by example. Encourage your children to have healthy and loving relationships by setting an example for them in your personal relationships.

Girls can learn that it is acceptable to be yelled at by their date if they see it at home, just as boys can may think it is acceptable to be aggressive with their date if they see it at home. Being good role models will decrease the chances of your teen becoming involved with someone who is aggressive and disrespectful. Couples argue from time to time. Try to keep marital arguments out of ear shot of your teens whenever possible. Demonstrate to your teen how to argue fairly and show respect for one another even if there are disagreements from time to time in the marital relationship.

Parents can help teens by talking to them about the type of violence that sometimes happens in teen dating. Violence can be physical or emotional. When the abuse is emotional, kids often dismiss the violence in their dating relationships. Many teens do not even realize that emotional abuse exists. The kids are not mature enough to know what behaviors are considered emotional abuse. Unfortunately, the kids think that the emotional abuse is normal. Before teens begin dating, talk to them about respect and tell themhow to recognize the signs of emotional abuse. If they understand what emotional abuse is, they will know that it is wrong and not a normal part of dating. Parents should remember that dating and relationships are completely new to teens.

Most people realize that hitting, slapping, shoving, kicking, spitting, biting and so forth are violent behaviors. These behaviors are all too common in violent teen dating. Emotional abuse can include name calling, humiliation, hurtful sarcasm and being threatened. Both types of violence are often hidden from parents, friends and teachers. The kids suffering from the violence can feel shame and embarrassment. They do not want to tell anyone that there is a problem. Some teens do not even realize that it is not part of normal dating. We have to teach children what is acceptable and not acceptable in a personal relationship.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Reading, Writing, Arithmetic And So Much More…

He was my dream boy. Ever since I was six, I had fallen in love with the evil character in an old movie, making my parents watch the DVD almost every day so I could fantasize about my life with this fictional man. I thought he was handsome and mysterious; strong and protective. I didn’t care if this character was evil and treated women poorly – he was so cute! When I entered college, I never expected to meet a guy who resembled my fictional love in any way. But here he was, this amazing picture of perfection, instantly stealing my heart. And of course, I was forced to admire him from afar … in the cafeteria.

When this man asked me out, I immediately said yes, knowing absolutely nothing about him other than the fact that he sat with the same group of friends each evening for dinner (and that there were no girls present). For so long I had waited to meet a man who fulfilled my childhood fantasy, and now I had finally found him.

Our relationship was doomed from the start. I was so mesmerized by his looks and who I wanted him to be, that I was constantly forced to ignore who he actually was. I never stood up for myself in the relationship when something bothered me; instead, I would shrug it off and pretend it never happened, afraid that if I confronted him that he would break up with me. He enjoyed getting drunk, and (as I would eventually discover) could be considered an alcoholic. Every time we argued, he would send me dozens of text messages and leave me rude voicemails, telling me to “answer [my] damn phone.” One time he sent me thirty text messages, each one repeating the same word: blah (this of course occurred after I kicked him out of my dorm room for passing out and peeing twice in my bed from being so drunk).

Every time something bad happened in the relationship, it was my fault. He would cancel plans on me last minute to hang out with his friends and then be mad at me for being upset. He would say “fuck you” to me during a date when I asked him not to drink. He would apologize and then get angry, screaming at me and telling me I was useless. I thought all of this was normal because I had never been in a healthy relationship before. If only I had known the warning signs, then I could have ended the relationship before I was physically assaulted.

Like so many young girls, I was not educated on the characteristics of healthy relationships. I thought it was normal for a guy to text me fifty times in a row and order me to answer my phone every time he called. My previous relationship had been verbally abusive as well – how was I to know what a normal, healthy relationship consisted of? February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, and I want all females to know that it is never okay for someone to treat you like this. You do not deserve to be controlled or have someone continuously put you down. I thought life would be worse off without my dream man; but now that the relationship has ended, I am a much happier and lively person. No one deserves abuse. You are worth so much more than that, and you deserve to be treasured by a truly honorable man.

Teen dating violence comes in many forms. It can be verbal or physical. You don’t have to be physically touched to be assaulted. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, females ages 16 to 24 are more vulnerable to violence from intimate partners than any other age group. Although many cases of dating violence remain unreported, approximately 1 in 5 female high school students have reported being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner, according to a study by Jay Silverman conducted in 2001.

What astonishes me is that, according to a study by the Family Violence Prevention Fund, 81% of parents do not believe teen dating violence is an issue. Eighty-one percent! And 54% of parents have not spoken to their children about dating violence. This is outrageous. Over half of reported rapes occur among teenagers. As a parent, how can you not talk to your children about dating violence? This is such an important issue and should not be understated. If parents won’t educate their children about abuse and dating violence, then who will? It took the school systems so long to even require sex education … who knows how long it will be until safety education is mandated. We all think it will never happen to us … until it does. And when it does, we are forced to deal with the emotional (and physical) consequences of what has happened. Wouldn’t you want to invest in your children’s future by giving them the necessary tools to understand abuse and protect themselves? I encourage all individuals to learn the facts about the prevalence of abuse. This document, compiled by the National Teen Dating Violence Prevention Initiative highlights some of the most astonishing facts. Please, read this if you do not believe dating violence is an issue or occurs:

http://www.abanet.org/unmet/teendating/facts.pdf

Education isn’t just about math, English, and science. Education encompasses life skills as well. Safety prevention, awareness, and self-defense are all life skills that every young girl should possess. For more information on training and outreach, please visit www.projectsafegirls.com.

Bethany

Danger Zone...Teen Dating Violence

WHAT DO WE MEAN WHEN WE TALK ABOUT DATING VIOLENCE?

Dating violence isn’t an argument every once in a while, or a bad mood after a bad day.

Dating violence (or relationship abuse) is a pattern of violent behavior that someone uses against a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Abuse can cause injury or even death, but it doesn’t have to be physical. It can include verbal and emotional abuse—constant insults, isolation from friends and family, name calling, controlling what someone wears—and it can also include sexual abuse.

It can happen to anyone, at any age, no matter what race or religion they are, no matter what their level of education or economic background. Dating violence also occurs in same-sex relationships.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Love Is Not Abuse-Liz Claiborne

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month!

Many may or not be aware that today, February 1, 2010 kicks off Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.

Every day should be recognized as personal safety awareness but this month we will streamline and focus on our young people.

Did you know that 1 in 5 teens in a serious relationship reports having been hit, slapped or pushed by a partner? Not only can abuse be physical but it can be sexual, verbal, emotional and stalking. And, it can even be digital abuse. To make matters worse, dating abuse has also been linked to other serious issues, like drug use, teen pregnancy and suicide.

What's the bottom-line? Teens have the right to be educated about safe and healthy relationships, free from abuse. And, we are going to be shouting from the rooftops all month long and ask that you assist us.

We want to reach as many teens as humanly possible every single day. We need to get this information out to students, teachers, parents, administrators and anyone else that wants to get involved. We will raise awareness nationwide and direct youth to Project Safe Girls as well as other agencies and places that they can get help. We are asking for your help - we need as many voices to be heard.

Please invite your friends, family members, parents, associates and peers to join us as we extend our hand to our young people. Our young people must begin to learn extremely important "life skills" that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives. Who wouldn't want this vital information and training for themselves, their daughter, sister, any family member or friend?

From the comforts of your home Bethany, Jake (PSG Lead Personal Defense Readiness Instructor) and Anny Jacoby will be joining US Privacy Associates - Red Action Package, created by Law Enforcement Officers on BlogTalkRadio on Sunday, February 7th, 12NOON EST; http://bit.ly/5gJVDZ as we introduce Project Safe Girls and discuss personal safety.

Take care and STAY SAFE!