Why Women "Choose" Dangerous Men

The term "dangerous man" to me is describing any man who causes damage to his partner's emotional, physical, financial, sexual or spiritual health.

The damage that can be inflicted on a female by her partner is not limited to physical or sexual. Women tend to overlook the truth about "dangerous men". They don't understand, beyond the physical violence, what makes a man dangerous. Men are capable of harming in a multitude of ways that we need to recognize. From this definition it gives us a wide base from which to look at men whose present in our lives that has caused us or could cause us an emotional breakdown that could only take months or perhaps years to recover from - or even worse, whose presence may cost us our lives. There are many men who are living so close to the edge of dangerousness that at any time they could become harmful in one or more of the ways mentioned above.

Constantly I hear and I am asked why women pick such men. Is it because women are overcome with loneliness? Is it because of our past habits of choosing poorly? Are we programmed to believe that anyone will do? Do we like the thrill of being involved with a dysfunctional man? Do painful divorces open us up afterward to an increased risk of selecting dangerous men? Does a dysfunctional family upbringing contribute in any way to these choices? Why are we a society of women who date dangerous men? Why aren't crimes of domestic violence against women declining? Since the development of violence-intervention programs and women's services, we have learned a few things about this EPIDEMIC.

All of this raises questions: Have we learned to personally recognize dangerous men and how they enter our lives? Or do we merely look for dangerous men in other women's lives? Do we intimately understand this phenomenon for ourselves, and have we applied the knowledge to making meaningful changes in our lives?

The answer to these questions must be "No". The awareness that dangerous men really do exist appears to be knowledge many women don't apply to their own lives. Yet most of us claim to know something about "bad boyz". We've heard rape-prevention lectures and women's safety information. Unfortunately, we haven't learned emotional nor physical defense strategies.

Universal awareness of the existence of dangerous men has failed to keep women safe. Could this be because the knowledge usually comes to us in the form of watered-down, naive-sounding warnings about "bad men" from our mothers and other elders? Have we talked unsuccessfully in generalization that have failed to help women sense, see and avoid choosing dangerous men when they show up in our lives? Whatever the reasons, the truth is we have not succeeded as families, as a feminist movement, or as a society to help women define and identify in an understandable way, dangerous men. If we had, women would be responding to these men differently.

It would be far easier if we could define one "type" of women who is attracted to dangerous men. Then, all the women who match that description could be identified and educated about dangerous men. But responding to and selecting dangerous men is an epidemic that bypasses any group of stereotypically defined women. All types of women choose dangerous men. Yes, there are some childhood experiences, some family structures and behaviors, some abuse histories, some disorders that increase the possibility that a woman will respond to and date dangerous men. We must understand that all types of women choose and respond to dangerous men. Ultimately, it is up to each woman to become educated in all aspects, know the red flags and warning signs of a potential dangerous situation and heed to their awareness and intuition (the first steps to personal safety).


Take care and STAY SAFE!

Anny Jacoby

A Success Survivor

"Raising female awareness and skills to reduce susceptibility in response to violence."

www.annyjacoby.com

www.realisticfemaleselfdefense.com

If you are in an abusive relationship, you need a plan.
Moving Out, Moving On; authored by Susan Murphy-Milano will guide you through the necessary steps of ending a relationship safely.
You can purchase your copy HERE.

For scheduling training, appearances or speaking engagements for Anny, please contact ImaginePublicity.

contact@ImaginePublicity.com

CHANGING THE FACE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE......

Changing the face of domestic violence
by Susan Harrison Wolffis | Chronicle columnist
Sunday August 23, 2009, 6:21 AM

Chances are, we'd never have heard of Anthony J. Peters, a 20-year-old thug, if he hadn't beaten up Milwaukee's mayor last week outside the Wisconsin State Fairgrounds.

If Peters had pounded and pummeled and bullied his intended victim -- the grandmother of his 1-year-old daughter -- he'd have been just another assailant in a long list of men who terrorize women every day of the week.

But it was Milwaukee Mayor Tom Barrett who stepped into the fray when he heard the woman's call for help. Peters had taken her cellphone, and she was crying out to people in the crowd, begging them to call police.

Barrett stepped forward, according to reports, and was asking Peters to calm down when Peters turned on him. Barrett, 55, used his body to shield the woman and baby. He took the blows, the punches, the unleashed violence in their stead.

When police arrived on the scene, the mayor was lying in a pool of blood. Peters had beaten him with a metal pipe, fracturing the mayor's arm, cutting his face and head, hitting him with such force that he knocked out some of Barrett's teeth.

Had the woman been the one beaten, the assault would have been one more line in a police log -- time, date, domestic violence call -- unless he'd killed her or the child. But because it was the mayor who bore the brunt of the violence, it made headlines.

And his actions forced a conversation about domestic violence this nation continues to avoid, at great cost.

Through the week, we heard these updates: Peters, who has an extensive record of violent behavior, was taken into police custody. His relationship with his ex-girlfriend, who is the mother of the 1-year-old at the fair, is complicated and messy. Neighbors report that he stalked her after their breakup, standing outside the house, watching her every move. Friends say he was "desperate." Peters wrote on Facebook that "everyone has a story to tell" and his was going to end either in death or prison.

Barrett was released from the hospital after surgery and was back to work by midweek, issuing thanks to his niece for making the 911 call and praising the police for quick action. He deflected all praise. He said it was simply the right thing to do.

The rest of us were left asking ourselves a string of questions: What would we have done in Barrett's situation? Would we have looked the other way when the woman begged for help? Figured it was none of our business? That whatever the dispute, it was between the man and the woman? That it appeared to be too dangerous to intercede?

All good questions, soul-searching questions, important questions. But the one that really begs to be asked is: How do we end domestic violence?

For years, the quest was seen as the exclusive domain of women, a cause borne out of the women's movement -- but lately, the tables have turned. Experts say there will never be an end to the epidemic of domestic violence until men begin to hold other men accountable for their actions.

Until, in effect, men say to one another: Knock it off. Violence is never the answer.

That's what Tom Barrett did last week, if not in specific words, certainly by his action and intervention. And when he stood in front of the cameras a few days later at his first press conference, his face bruised and cut, his arm in a cast?

Mayor Barrett said on Wednesday that he was doing what any good citizen should have done when he tried to help a woman screaming for help - even if it led him being beaten by a man.

His image was a powerful reminder of the 5.3 million women who are the victims of domestic violence every year.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Anny Jacoby

A Success Survivor

"Raising female awareness and skills to reduce susceptibility in response to violence."

www.annyjacoby.com

www.realisticfemaleselfdefense.com

If you are in an abusive relationship, you need a plan.
Moving Out, Moving On; authored by Susan Murphy-Milano will guide you through the necessary steps of ending a relationship safely.
You can purchase your copy HERE.

For scheduling training, appearances or speaking engagements for Anny, please contact ImaginePublicity.

contact@ImaginePublicity.com

The Hand that Rocks the Cradle

Our God is the Sovereign King of the universe, and He has blessed mothers with an awesome responsibility.

Blessings on the hand of women!
Angels guard its strength and grace,
In the palace, cottage, hovel,
Oh, no matter where the place;
Would that never storms assailed it,
Rainbows ever gently curled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

Infancy's the tender fountain,
Power may with beauty flow,
Mother's first to guide the streamlets,
From them souls unresting grow--
Grow on for the good or evil,
Sunshine streamed or evil hurled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

Woman, how divine your mission
Here upon our natal sod!
Keep, oh, keep the young heart open
Always to the breath of God!
All true trophies of the ages
Are from mother-love impearled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

Blessings on the hand of woman!
Fathers, sons, and daughters cry,
And the sacred song is mingled
With the worship in the sky--

Mingles where no tempest darkens,
Rainbows evermore are hurled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

William Ross Wallace (1819-1881)
Preparing for Victory

Personal Safety Training - Chapel Hill, NC

No personal safety/self-defense course can guarantee you anything 100% but at least by investing in the education and training you will have a fighting chance. You will learn awareness, learn what the warning signs/red flags are and ultimately how to use your mind, body and spirit to ultimately physically protect and defend yourself in the event of an altercation.

“Life Extension Insurance” How much is your life, your daughter’s or loved one's life worth? Training and education for the rest of one's life.

PERSONAL SAFETY TRAINING FOR FEMALES, AGES 13-65. The Realistic Female Self-Defense Company is scheduling training on Saturday, August 29th, 2-6pm at Chapel Hill/Carrboro Chamber of Commerce, S. Estes Drive, Chapel Hill, NC. Please call, 919-225-1421 or email, anny@realisticfemaleselfdefense.com or anny@annyjacoby.com for further information and to register.

Minimum 10/20 maximum participants. Cost of training is being offered at a 50% discounted rate. Registration and payment deadline is August 21, 2009 (check, cash, MC & Visa accepted).

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Anny Jacoby

A Success Survivor

"Raising female awareness and skills to reduce susceptibility in response to violence."

www.annyjacoby.com

www.realisticfemaleselfdefense.com

If you are in an abusive relationship, you need a plan.
Moving Out, Moving On; authored by Susan Murphy-Milano will guide you through the necessary steps of ending a relationship safely.
You can purchase your copy HERE.

For scheduling training, appearances or speaking engagements for Anny, please contact ImaginePublicity.

contact@ImaginePublicity.com

Random Faces of the Potential Dangerous Man

Dangerous men come in all shapes and forms, slipping into our lives by appearing, at least in the beginning incredibly "normal". There are no neon flashing signs, no sirens and one-size-fits-all does not pertain as to how they look or act. A man's career, eye color or face shape has no barrier as to what lies deep inside. The majority of the time they blend into society, looking like any other man we might consider dating or even be married to. What does this mean? The detection is entirely up to you. Often though too many females have experiences that begin with "I didn't know he was like that. I didn't recognize the warning signs. I believed "his" story."

We know that women are battered, stalked, raped, abused and killed every day in this country, mostly by dangerous men. We know that each day domestic violence shelters take women in to shield them from dangerous men and from behaviors that the women did not recognize at the time as dangerous. In every town across America, women are being counseled or assisted because of dangerous men - and not just men who are violent. "Dangerousness" comes in many types of packages.

But let us think about something. Don't you think that we are missing something if millions of women continue to end up with men who could be classified as dangerous? There must be something in many women's personal detection system that is "offtrack". This detection system seems to only exist for other women as so often it is asked, "Doesn't she know he beats women?". "Doesn't she know that he has a drinking problem or criminal history?" We seem to all ears, eyes and radar up when another woman's life is at stake. But what about when it comes to your own life? Our radar falls short. We claim to know the reality about what happens between dangerous men and the women who get involved with them, but still we date or marry dangerous men.

Dangerous men have lived among us always and they always will. It's not realistic to imagine waiting for a "dating and marriage utopia", not all choices will be safe. Therefore, it is up to us to learn what we can do and how we can keep ourselves safe. It is up to us to know the signs of dangerous men and be sure to heed to those signs. Understanding what dangerous men look and act like is a life skill that just may keep these men out or get them out of our lives. You cannot avoid what you do not see. It's imperative to allow someone to help you see and then to help or assist you to choose differently.


Take care and STAY SAFE!

Anny Jacoby

A Success Survivor

"Raising female awareness and skills to reduce susceptibility in response to violence."

www.annyjacoby.com

www.realisticfemaleselfdefense.com

If you are in an abusive relationship, you need a plan.
Moving Out, Moving On; authored by Susan Murphy-Milano will guide you through the necessary steps of ending a relationship safely.
You can purchase your copy HERE.

For scheduling training, appearances or speaking engagements for Anny, please contact ImaginePublicity.

contact@ImaginePublicity.com

2009 BACK-TO-SCHOOL TIPS FOR STUDENTS

August 10, 2009 – (Washington, DC) – RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization, today released helpful safety tips for college students going back to school. While heading back to school is an exciting time, there are nonetheless risks involved when entering into an unfamiliar environment filled with new people. College aged women are at the highest risk for being sexually assaulted. Being aware of this risk is often the first step in staying safe.

RAINN's Back-To-School Tips:

1. Trust your instincts. If you feel unsafe in any situation, go with your gut. If you see something suspicious, contact your resident assistant or campus police immediately.
2. Avoid being alone or isolated with someone you don’t know well. Let a trusted friend know where you are and whom you are with.
3. Get to know your surrounding and learn a well-lit route back to your dorm or place of residence. If you are new to the campus, familiarize yourself with the campus map and know where the emergency phones are.
4. Be careful when leaving online away messages. Leaving information about your whereabouts or activities reveals details of your location that are accessible to everyone. Avoid putting your dorm room, campus address, or phone number on your personal profile where everyone can see it.
5. Form a buddy system when you go out. Arrive with your friends, check in with each other throughout the night, and leave together. Don’t go off alone. Make a secret signal with your friends for when they should intervene if you’re in an uncomfortable situation.
6. Never loan your room key to anyone and always lock your door. Don’t let strangers into your room.
7. Practice safe drinking. Don't accept drinks from people you don't know or trust and never leave your drink unattended – if you’ve left your drink alone, just get a new one. Always watch your drink being prepared. At parties, don't drink from punch bowls or other large, common open containers.
8. Watch out for your friends. If a friend seems out of it, is way too intoxicated for the amount of alcohol they’ve had, or is acting out of character, get him or her to a safety place immediately. If you suspect that you or a friend has been drugged, call 911, and be explicit with doctors about your symptoms.
9. Don’t let your guard down. The college campus environment can foster a false sense of security. Don’t assume people you’ve just met will look out for your best interests; remember that they are essentially strangers.
10. Try not to go out alone at night. Walk with roommates or someone you trust. If you’ll be walking home alone, ask a trusted friend to accompany you. Avoid the ATM and jogging at night. Don’t put music headphones in both ears so you can be more aware of your surroundings.

Contact us today to schedule Personal Safety Training today for yourself and friends, we travel to you.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Anny Jacoby

A Success Survivor

"Raising female awareness and skills to reduce susceptibility in response to violence."

www.annyjacoby.com

www.realisticfemaleselfdefense.com

If you are in an abusive relationship, you need a plan.
Moving Out, Moving On; authored by Susan Murphy-Milano will guide you through the necessary steps of ending a relationship safely.
You can purchase your copy HERE.

For scheduling training, appearances or speaking engagements for Anny, please contact ImaginePublicity.

contact@ImaginePublicity.com

PREGNANT WOMEN - DARLENE HAYNES MIGHT HAVE HAD A FIGHTING CHANCE.........

Anyone can become a target of a violent attack or assault. Women who are pregnant are at an exceptional risk due to the fear of harm to their unborn child. The instant response to an assailant is, "Please don't hurt my baby!" They become frozen in fear.

There are ways to defend yourself and your unborn child from an attack or assault. First and foremost, try not to put yourself in harm's way. Be aware of your surroundings and of any situation that could possibly be dangerous or a threat. There are those out there who would harm you to take your child. NEVER FORGET THIS. You have to begin to protect your child the moment she/he is conceived.

All people are not kind and gentle. Many people will approach and try to befriend pregnant women with other intentions. We are hearing more and more of these tactics today. You must remain aware and pay attention. You must pay attention, do not meet new acquaintances by yourself or in unpopulated locations. Personal safety/self-defense is the same for all females, pregnant or not. Only trust those who you have known for a long time, even before you were pregnant. You have to follow your instincts (gut feelings) about people; pay attention to the warning signs of a potential assailant.

Pay attention to your environment when you are out in town, especially at the obstetrician's office. Scan the parking lot, and check out the people who are there when you arrive and leave. If you feel uncomfortable, follow those instincts! Ask security to walk you to your car, if the building does not have security call the police and let them know that there is a strange person or vehicle around your doctor's office and you feel that you may be in danger. Consider asking your significant other or a family member to go with you to your appointments.

Darlene Haynes, eight months pregnant may have had a fighting chance against Julie Corey, an acquaintance. Darlene Haynes was found dead in a closet in her apartment wrapped in a blanket. Autopsy reports revealed that her baby girl was cut from her womb and that she suffered head injuries. Julie Corey faked a pregnancy to friends and family. Corey told acquaintances that she delivered the baby at an undisclosed hospital, and was showing the newborn off to acquaintances. Friends became a little concerned about how she got home so early after just giving birth. Police were alerted by acquaintances who became suspicious of Corey's claims that she had just given birth, and then heard the news about a neighbor whose dead body was found in a closet, with a fetus removed from her womb.

Corey was arrested at a homeless shelter in Plymouth, NH (130 miles from Worchester, Mass.) in connection with Darlene's death and kidnapping her baby girl from her womb, "The baby had a ribbon tied around the umbilical cord — not your normal umbilical cord-severing device." The baby girl is reported to be in good condition reported last Thursday.

A pregnant woman can protect and defend herself, knowing the warning signs and obtaining the knowledge of how to physically defend oneself is crucial.

Please keep Darlene's family and newborn daughter in your thoughts and prayers.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Anny Jacoby

A Success Survivor

"Raising female awareness and skills to reduce susceptibility in response to violence."

www.annyjacoby.com

www.realisticfemaleselfdefense.com

If you are in an abusive relationship, you need a plan.
Moving Out, Moving On; authored by Susan Murphy-Milano will guide you through the necessary steps of ending a relationship safely.
You can purchase your copy HERE.

For scheduling training, appearances or speaking engagements for Anny, please contact ImaginePublicity.

contact@ImaginePublicity.com

Women at Risk by Bob Herbert.....George Sodini

New York Times
August 8, 2009

Op-Ed Columnist

Women at Risk

By BOB HERBERT

“I actually look good. I dress good, am clean-shaven, bathe, touch of cologne — yet 30 million women rejected me,” wrote George Sodini in a blog that he kept while preparing for this week’s shooting in a Pennsylvania gym in which he killed three women, wounded nine others and then killed himself.

We’ve seen this tragic ritual so often that it has the feel of a formula. A guy is filled with a seething rage toward women and has easy access to guns. The result: mass slaughter.

Back in the fall of 2006, a fiend invaded an Amish schoolhouse in rural Pennsylvania, separated the girls from the boys, and then shot 10 of the girls, killing five.

I wrote, at the time, that there would have been thunderous outrage if someone had separated potential victims by race or religion and then shot, say, only the blacks, or only the whites, or only the Jews. But if you shoot only the girls or only the women — not so much of an uproar.

According to police accounts, Sodini walked into a dance-aerobics class of about 30 women who were being led by a pregnant instructor. He turned out the lights and opened fire. The instructor was among the wounded.

We have become so accustomed to living in a society saturated with misogyny that the barbaric treatment of women and girls has come to be more or less expected.

We profess to being shocked at one or another of these outlandish crimes, but the shock wears off quickly in an environment in which the rape, murder and humiliation of females is not only a staple of the news, but an important cornerstone of the nation’s entertainment.

The mainstream culture is filled with the most gruesome forms of misogyny, and pornography is now a multibillion-dollar industry — much of it controlled by mainstream U.S. corporations.

One of the striking things about mass killings in the U.S. is how consistently we find that the killers were riddled with shame and sexual humiliation, which they inevitably blamed on women and girls. The answer to their feelings of inadequacy was to get their hands on a gun (or guns) and begin blowing people away.

What was unusual about Sodini was how explicit he was in his blog about his personal shame and his hatred of women. “Why do this?” he asked. “To young girls? Just read below.” In his gruesome, monthslong rant, he managed to say, among other things: “It seems many teenage girls have sex frequently. One 16 year old does it usually three times a day with her boyfriend. So, err, after a month of that, this little [expletive] has had more sex than ME in my LIFE, and I am 48. One more reason.”

I was reminded of the Virginia Tech gunman, Seung-Hui Cho, who killed 32 people in a rampage at the university in 2007. While Cho shot males as well as females, he was reported to have previously stalked female classmates and to have leaned under tables to take inappropriate photos of women. A former roommate said Cho once claimed to have seen “promiscuity” when he looked into the eyes of a woman on campus.

Soon after the Virginia Tech slayings, I interviewed Dr. James Gilligan, who spent many years studying violence as a prison psychiatrist in Massachusetts and as a professor at Harvard and N.Y.U. “What I’ve concluded from decades of working with murderers and rapists and every kind of violent criminal,” he said, “is that an underlying factor that is virtually always present to one degree or another is a feeling that one has to prove one’s manhood, and that the way to do that, to gain the respect that has been lost, is to commit a violent act.”

Life in the United States is mind-bogglingly violent. But we should take particular notice of the staggering amounts of violence brought down on the nation’s women and girls each and every day for no other reason than who they are. They are attacked because they are female.

A girl or woman somewhere in the U.S. is sexually assaulted every couple of minutes or so. The number of seriously battered wives and girlfriends is far beyond the ability of any agency to count.

There were so many sexual attacks against women in the armed forces that the Defense Department had to revise its entire approach to the problem.

We would become much more sane, much healthier, as a society if we could bring ourselves to acknowledge that misogyny is a serious and pervasive problem, and that the twisted way so many men feel about women, combined with the absurdly easy availability of guns, is a toxic mix of the most tragic proportions.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Anny Jacoby

A Success Survivor

"Raising female awareness and skills to reduce susceptibility in response to violence."

www.annyjacoby.com

www.realisticfemaleselfdefense.com

If you are in an abusive relationship, you need a plan.
Moving Out, Moving On; authored by Susan Murphy-Milano will guide you through the necessary steps of ending a relationship safely.
You can purchase your copy HERE.

For scheduling training, appearances or speaking engagements for Anny, please contact ImaginePublicity.

contact@ImaginePublicity.com

Personal Safety Training - Chapel Hill, NC

No personal safety/self-defense course can guarantee you anything 100% but at least by investing in the education and training you will have a fighting chance. You will learn awareness, learn what the warning signs/red flags are and ultimately how to use your mind, body and spirit to ultimately physically protect and defend yourself in the event of an altercation.

“Life Extension Insurance” How much is your life, your daughter’s or loved one's life worth? Training and education for the rest of one's life.

PERSONAL SAFETY TRAINING FOR FEMALES, AGES 13-65. The Realistic Female Self-Defense Company is scheduling training on Saturday, August 29th, 2-6pm at Chapel Hill/Carrboro Chamber of Commerce, S. Estes Drive, Chapel Hill, NC. Please call, 919-225-1421 or email, anny@realisticfemaleselfdefense.com or anny@annyjacoby.com for further information and to register.

Minimum 10/20 maximum participants. Cost of training is being offered at a 50% discounted rate. Registration and payment deadline is August 21, 2009 (check, cash, MC & Visa accepted).

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Anny Jacoby

A Success Survivor

"Raising female awareness and skills to reduce susceptibility in response to violence."

www.annyjacoby.com

www.realisticfemaleselfdefense.com

If you are in an abusive relationship, you need a plan.
Moving Out, Moving On; authored by Susan Murphy-Milano will guide you through the necessary steps of ending a relationship safely.
You can purchase your copy HERE.

For scheduling training, appearances or speaking engagements for Anny, please contact ImaginePublicity.

contact@ImaginePublicity.com

12 TRAITS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, by Laura Petherbridge

12 Traits of an Abusive Relationship

Laura Petherbridge

Crosswalk.com Contributor

“My boyfriend is jealous. He gets furious when I won’t dump my friends and spend all of my free time with him,” the weeping woman shared with me. “I was so thrilled to have a devoted boyfriend that I ignored the warning signs of abuse. I convinced myself that he loved me, and that things would get better with time. I was wrong—completely wrong.”

After 20 years of ministry I frequently hear this cry from men and women who are in a bad relationship. Christians often believe that domestic violence, abuse and manipulation doesn’t occur within the church, but nothing could be further from the truth. Sometimes men are portrayed as sadistic; however women can be equally dangerous. In an attempt to help singles avoid a destructive relationship or a painful marriage I offer insight on how to detect a toxic, abusive person.

An abuser is typically:

1. Charming. This person quickly smothers the other with gifts and praise. He/she immediately pushes for an exclusive relationship using phrases such as “I can’t live without you” or “I’ll kill myself if you leave.” A clear indication something is wrong.
2. Jealous. He/she views others as a threat to the relationship and relentlessly accuses you of flirting. “I know you are having an affair.” The irony is that the abuser is usually the cheater.
3. Manipulative. Abuse and manipulation go hand-in-hand. This person easily detects vulnerability in others and uses it as a weapon to control, belittle and demean the victim. “You are weak and ugly; no wonder you were abused as a kid.”
4. Controlling. Constant checking on the whereabouts of the victim is a common trait for the abuser. “I check the mileage on your car. So don’t lie to me.” A male controller often refuses to let his girlfriend have a job, she might “meet someone.”
5. A Victim. An abuser doesn’t take any responsibility for his/ her poor choices. They are never at fault. When she loses her job, or he gets into a fight, someone else is to blame. “You make me hit you” or “I drink because you stress me out.”
6. Narcissistic. The whole world revolves around the abuser and his/her needs. This person is invigorated by the fact that the victims “walks on eggshells” and live in fear of the next outburst.
7. Inconsistent. Mood swings are a common trait for an abuser. One minute he/she is happy and sweet, the next they are pounding a fist or throwing a tantrum.
8. Critical. Verbally assaulting others is a way of life for the abuser. “You are a stupid, fat, disgusting tramp. You can’t ever leave me; no other man would have you” or “Ha! You call yourself a man. You are nothing but a mama’s boy.”
9. Disconnected. Isolation from family and friends is a key goal for the abuser because it forces the victim into total submission. “Your family causes too much trouble for us. I don’t want you seeing them anymore.”
10. Hypersensitive. The slightest offense sends the abuser ranting. Everyone is out to “get him/her.” “My boss had it in for me; I bend over backwards on my job but I still got fired.”
11. Vicious and cruel. A significant number of abusers harm children and animals as well as a partner. Intimidation and inflicting pain fuels his/her power. “If I can’t have you, no one will” or “I just pretended to love you so that you would sleep with me.”
12. Insincerely repentant. He/she will swear to never “behave like that again.” But unless an abuser receives professional help and solid accountability it’s unlikely the abuse will disappear.

After marriage these behaviors typically escalate, therefore it’s crucial to recognize the warning signs now. Tell someone you can trust, and get help. And don’t believe the lie that it’s not abuse until he/she hits you.

When an abuser loses control they often react with rage and the abuse intensifies. Therefore, make a plan before breaking off the relationship. Contact a counselor or local domestic abuse hotline and/or safe house in your community.

This insight is for church leaders. In my 20 years of ministry I’ve watched numerous abusers deceive and manipulate the church. He/she often knows exactly what to say and do to get the church “on their side.” Although Christians are called to be loving and kind, we should not ignore toxic, sinful behavior. That is neither love or compassion.

Copyright © 2009 Laura Petherbridge. All rights reserved

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Anny Jacoby

A Success Survivor

"Raising female awareness and skills to reduce susceptibility in response to violence."

www.annyjacoby.com
www.realisticfemaleselfdefense.com

If you are in an abusive relationship, you need a plan.
Moving Out, Moving On; authored by Susan Murphy-Milano will guide you through the necessary steps of ending a relationship safely.
You can purchase your copy HERE.

For scheduling training, appearances or speaking engagements for Anny, please contact ImaginePublicity.

contact@ImaginePublicity.com

Patrick J. O'Connor, Romeo educator admits attack on 12-year-old girl

Ex-band teacher gets prison for sex assault

Friday, August 7, 2009

By Jameson Cook, Macomb Daily Staff Writer

A former band teacher in Romeo schools was ordered to serve one to 15 years in prison for having sexual contact with a 12-year-old female student in the school.

Patrick J. O'Connor, 45, who taught at Romeo Middle School, was escorted away after a 45-minute sentencing hearing in Macomb County Circuit Court that was marked by the victim's parents' emotional descriptions of the impact of the incidents and the community's response to them.

"The gravity of this is overwhelming," said the girl's mother, whose name is being withheld to protect her daughter's identity. "She doesn't trust anyone and has lost self-worth and self-esteem. He has forever changed who my daughter is."

The girl's parents said their daughter also has had to deal with remarks by other students and adults who accused her of lying, as well as the case receiving media attention.

"She was called terrible names, and taunted and threatened," said the mother.

The girl has been made to feel guilty for reporting the incident, one of her grandparents said in a letter.

O'Connor, a divorced parent of two children in Romeo schools, was accused of one incident, but prosecutors could have levied more charges for more incidents if O'Connor had not agreed to plead guilty.

O'Connor kissed, hugged and groped the girl in his classroom and other areas in the school over several weeks early this year, according to a report read by Judge David Viviano. He also sent messages via a computer that implied potential future sex and penned notes for her to leave class early so he could be alone with her.

The relationship was uncovered when the girl's mother discovered a text message.

O'Connor initially denied sexual contact but later admitted to it, resulting in the plea.

O'Connor, who wept and rocked back and forth while waiting for the hearing to start, admitted his actions to the judge.

"I made a mistake and I take responsibility for it," he said. "There is nothing I can say or do to express my remorse for this lapse of responsibility and morality. ... I never intended for anything to happen. I wish I had a reason for it but I don't."

The sentencing guideline range of one to two years at the minimum was higher than expected. Attorneys had believed the range would allow for probation up to 17 months in prison.

Viviano said despite O'Connor's lack of a prior record and support among his family and friends, he did not deserve a sentence below the guidelines, which would have meant jail instead of prison. Viviano noted O'Connor's position of authority "enabled" him to prey on the girl.

"I don't think county jail is appropriate," Viviano said. "You not only damaged an impressionable young woman, you also contributed to the breakdown of the social order. ... For that, there are consequences."

The girl's father called O'Connor a "predator."

"As all predators do, they wait for the right victim," he said.

But O'Connor's defense attorney, Joseph Kosmala, painted a different picture of his client. He said O'Connor was a well-respected 19-year teacher popular among students and parents.

Despite his admission, the Washington Township man maintains support from his family, including his ex-wife, who also teaches music in Romeo schools, and others, including members of his church, Kosmala said. O'Connor and seven supporters engaged in a prayer circle in the hallway outside the courtroom prior to the hearing.

"All of those folks still offer him their trust and support," Kosmala said.

Two psychologists said O'Connor has a low chance of recidivism, he noted.

Kosmala pointed out O'Connor has lost his career and damaged his relationship with his children.

"The prison he created for himself is ... a life sentence," Kosmala said.

O'Connor must register as a sex offender after he is released from prison.

The victim's father vowed to keep track of O'Connor and inform his neighbors about his conviction.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Anny Jacoby

A Success Survivor

"Raising female awareness and skills to reduce susceptibility in response to violence."

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